Thursday, May 29, 2008

A letter to ze pooblick

Guten Tag.

Zis is your airportdirektor speaking. All ze papers are reporting already about ze screw ups in my new airport. I am ankry about zis. You are mean, mean people, and zerefore I vud like to say ze following. Boo.

Howeffer, in the greater pooblic interest of your mutterland, I am klarifyink ze misconceptions zat have formed in your kopfs, vun by vun, as follows:

1. I don't give a spaetzle what you sink about konnektivity to my airport. Take your time, its not like you can go anyvere else to fly. Muhahaha.

2. You haff problem vith ze old airport klosing. I belief zere are two solutions for zis problem.
(a) My vay
(b) Ze high vay.
Ze answer to 2(b) is NH7. Let us not go there. Getting to my airport is your business. You can get to my airport by megic carpet for all I care. Auf weidersehen HAL. You vill not be missed here at Deffanahalli.

3. I vos not eating bratwurst ven ze conveyor belt in ze beggege claim died ze moment it vos svitched on. In fect, I vos pacing the floor boards composing my next indignant press release on how my airport operations haff been kompletely rheady for months.

4. I haff been constantly warning my staff to use the aerobridches only to connect people from terminal to flight. Not as slippery slide (whee!) for zeir personal enchoyment. However, zey are refusing to listen. I zerefore recommend zat all you lazy esses undergo an intensmountaineeringtrainingprogram like I haff, to enable you to board ze plane using a series of rope laddahs. Zis is ze only vay fohvard, konsidering ze benne-mudde's zat we have operating ze aerobridch zese days. Jooseless fellows I tell you.

5. You vont me to build train to come to ze airport? Vot silliness. Vosh your face and think lochically. If you haff train, vy must you come already to ze airport? Vell okay, if you insist, giff me money and I vil build train for you. I vill not hire my aerobridch operators to drive train, do not vorry.

4. The lostandfoundaeroplanesdepartment has been rheady for months. Howeffer, since the lostandfoundaeroplanesdepartmentmanager vos having trrouble findink his vay to the lostandfoundaeroplanesdepartment through the long line of people waiting to check in to ze missink airkraft, he vos not able to locate ze missink airkraft. Move, you dumkopfs, ozervise you vill be heah forevah.

5. Zis is airport. Not texi stend. Or Murugeshpalya cultural association. I vill hire Helga from Herrenberg and Wolfgang from Wurtenburg to drrive my texis if I please. If you can say "Meine airportdirektor rhoolz" in a konvincing accent, you vill be hired. Ozervise, boo hoo. Go drrive a Volfo boos. Harumph.

Yes and now back to my bratwurst.

42 comments:

??! said...

Problems with air traffic, I see.

playbyrules said...

I'm first. Ah! Brunner is german? aerobridge :P. my friends and i have planned to take the volvo and gawk at the airport like village idiots, giving them a ego massage.

Prats said...

at least Vayu Vajra gives some more cultural joys for us poooor folks....what with bridges, highways and trains...
the least we can do is enjaaaay the bus ride all the way to ze airport...

Gugi aka Gogoush said...

IO my HAL airport! like this they have done off yaa... [wail] how i will get home yaa... basheer bhaiyyan also will not come pick me up from hicks-halli. 4 hours to reach blr and 4 days to reach nan manne from airport. tala eruthu i.e. forehead writing [slap hand on forehead]

narendra shenoy said...

Heil Herr Bikerenduden

Was is lost? Airplane-a? Happens to all of us. I keep misplacing my planes all the time, much to the consternation of the wife.

Oh, enjoyed it thoroughly. "Zis is airport. Not texi stend. Or Murugeshpalya cultural association. I vill hire Helga from Herrenberg and Wolfgang from Wurtenburg to drrive my texis if I please" *Paroxysm of laughter*


lxuiel

Dee said...

This was hilarious!!! De-lurking the 1st time to tell u hw gr8 ur blog is!!

The airport is a serious pain in d a$$... I stay in RT Nagar and reaching home is a pain... nt to mention those useless specimen called AUTO DRIVERS.. they act like they can take off in peak traffic if we give them an inch!!

Sorry for hogging ur comment space.. needed to vent 2 days of driving through this traffic...

Poojitha said...

zis is unexcusablez.. waz wit all d complainings!! i see nu airport only in fotos and d collegues complaint register..here too..gaah..the world ish nuts... mayb i shud try it once..wait a nimit.. whr is thish devanahalli i shay! search d map! bleaarghh!!! sho far frm indiranagar.. er..wokay! allot half a day travels time frm airport 2 indiranagara?? ..auto charge only 500 rsa?? um..okies.. can i join d pleated kid..wheeeeee....!!!

mem said...

ahahahahahahahahahaha

ariaa said...

Is it possible by any chance to coerce our neighbours to open an airport in Hosur??!!

Great blog!! I haunt ur space ever since I stumbled upon ur wedding etiquette post..

Anu said...

What the???

And I thought Mere Bharat Mahan and we have a German running the airport?

Is this some kind of reverse outsourcing????

Super Bikerdude - keep them coming. Loved the illustration and the one in your previous post!

A.S. said...

Sehr sehr witzig, wahnsinnig komisch!
Warst du schon im neuem Flughafen dann?
Ich glaube Herr Brunner kommt nicht aus Deutschland, aber aus Schweiz, oder?

In two separate instances, my cousins and a colleague flew from Devanahalli today/tonight, and they said they had a very smooth journey in the BIAS buses, and their experience at the airport wasn't bad either. Let's see what their experience is when they return...

Americatamizh said...

What ze foook?! Zis is too gud

Should have been one of Kamal Haasan's characters in Dasavatharam..

As if, like, my CA accent, like wasnt enough to, like, deal with... this german accent is stuck to my tounge... ze is ZE word...

Usha said...

Yes I heard that the conditions at the airport are as atrocious as the English of the CEO.
Lucky my destinations can be reached via laloo's trains.
I shall recommend to laloo that he should start train services to frankfurt, London and New York.

a million different people said...

Wahaat? No kannaDiga? No veera kannaDiga? Wait, that was redundant. Eiii! makes Jaggesh hand movement and delivers trademark Kashinath dialogue We don't like this!

Soopar pitchur I say. :D

Scribbler said...

Bikerdude, you are a bad, bad man. You make jokes about Germans and their accents and the airport and people named Wolfgang, and for work next week, I have to meet a German named Wolfgang , who has been peppering the correspondence with references to the new airport and what it is like. If I giggle when I meet him, you will be banished to the runway without food and then run over with an aerobridge. Hmph.

Bikerdude said...

??!! Uh huh! :)

playbyrules: I think A.S. above answered your question. Though, for the record, Brunner who?? ;)

prats: Those A/C volvos (vayu vajras) are really vajras (diamonds). The easiest and most comfy way of getting to the airport. Thank god for BMTC (Bangalore Metropolitan Transport Corp).

gugi: Hehehe no ma, you come off to my house and sit. Only some 40 mins distance is there. And I think the vayu vajras can give the comfort of being picked up by BB, a run for its money.

narendra: Heh thanks :) Yes apparently one plane to hyderabad lost its way from the runway to the gate.

dee: Aye what you complaining about men? Full underpass overpass everything they're building for y'all only no? Also, please take the vayu vajras. All of them land up at your doorstep. Faaaaar more efficient, waaay cheaper, very polite and 100000 times more comfortable than the autos. PS: Hog away :)

poojitha: No ma, lots of people say marvellous things about the airport. Some initial glitches are there thats all. Haan some 756 hours from Indiranagar (actually 1.5) by vajra itseems.

Bikerdude said...

mem, aria: Thanks! Nope apparently they can't build an airport within a radius of some 30km for the next so many years. Thats why HAL was forced to shut.

anu: Thanks! Insourcing ma. BOOT system. Except the BOOT was in our mosranna filled behinds this time. Ah well who knows for all you know, after the connectivity issues are sorted, this could yet be the best thing that's happened to us.

A.S: Herr who? ;) Yes I believe so. And reg your friends' experiences, its the same with all my friends who've been to the airport. Utterly amazed and quite thrilled. Since they all left in the morning, getting there wasn't a big deal at all either, apparently.

americatamizh: Heheh oh yeah i know that accent. I have about 50 expat cousins? who, like talk like that? with like a question mark at the end of every like sentence?

usha: Ille ma, they're quite nice anthe. Just beginning nalli some praablems thats all. Paapa I think we should give them a month or two to sort their act out. But yes in the mean time train services would be very convenient.

a million different people: Gaaahaha thanks. Apparently BIAL HAS hired some 30% local drivers or something.

scribbler: Gaaaaaaaahaha how's that for a coincidence eh? ;)

Epiphany said...

:( I have to be there in 2 weeks... I think after this post you can be classified as a terrorist! yes no??

Somebody Else said...

ROFLMAO!

Chethana said...

whatay insightphull postu!

Self lived in what we initially thought was pieceful outskirts. No wan told us some yerport road was 'going to come' near jakkur!

nrimaami said...

Haha.. Good one I say. My brother has been bothering my father for the past 2 days trying to wriggle a review out of his rather tight-lipped mouth. I suggested he take a look at your blog, because I was quite sure you would have blogged about it.

Anita said...

whoa!...another funny post BD!...
seriously, I am glad that we have an international airport and not still stuck with some dingy one which looked more like a railway station!...and yes, teething problems will be there...we just need to wait and watch how fast they will go away...I am dying to see this airport!...Hyd one is awesome I say!

kavitha said...

ahahaha! pliss to share some sauerkraut to airpot authorities. sharing is caring! :D

Ima said...

He he. Wish someone had done a post like this about our new Hyderabad airport - same problems, and now it seems same management?

Idling in Top Gear said...

Hr Brunner sagt: "Du...Du hast, Du hast mich..."

sanjana said...

Mister bikerdude, u have talent i say! :) glad to have found ur blog!
cheers!

RustyNeurons said...

myself landingu on friday and I am so bleddy scared after I read your post. Too much.

10yearslate said...

4000 saavir aekre jameen anth maathad-thaar all-ree! Nimmooraag anthoo masth MaLee beeLthayth. Hingaagi all beLeyo hull thinnaak aen vyavasthe maad-yaar ree nim German mandhi?

Bekaar num ooragindh aakaLa, yemmee-godd kaLis-kodlaen?

(4000 acres land they are talking no sir! In your town anyway frenzied rain falling. Becaaz of this there growing grass to eat what arrangement have made your German peepal?

Want means from my town, cows and he-buffaloes send shall I?)

Rithish said...

I liked this more than all the articles I've read about the BIAL.. Good, bad, or otherwise.. :o)

Shwetha said...

Just came by your blog!
Awesome work.Keep writing!

maami said...

Dies ist ein lustiger artikel.Gibt es eine bedrohung von einem deutschen Geschmack Uberholen Bengalooru auch?

Dee said...

I wish that underpass and flyover was worth even 1 single naya paisa... that stoopid fly over near windsor manor is in such a bad shape, that 2 rains and the tar is sticking to ur bloody car tires instead of being on the road... And it looks like it will collapse any second.. The underpass is really waste now, coz the jam starts from Sadashivnagar only... hmmmmmmmmmm.. I can only trust our auto rajas to reach me in time in any place... Now they have made LPG jaasthi, i wonder wat crazy rate system they are going to come up with...

Bikerdude said...

epiphany: heh heh sorry sorry, its not so bad now i hear.

somebody elsu: ahem- yenu, full pleasant padmini aagbittideera, shudden aagi? :P

chethana: Jakkur is the new Indiranagar ma, yen-JOY I tell you.

nrimaami: All only hearsay so far. Never been to the place though I hear its slowly pulling up its socks.

anita: Correct ma. Yes Hyd is awesome anthe, though interiors of both are comparable anthe. Alli atleast they didnt have dying conveyor belts though.


kavitha: Mudde saaru we will throw on heads I think better, alva?

ima: Oh yeah? I heard there are some probs there too? Do share, cos we will all feel better!


idling in top gear: Yes I think our direktor needs a dose of Purple Haze music to put him in the Bangalore mood :)

rustyamma: Dont worry madkobedi. If I remember right you live yello eekade no? In that case the commute from new airport is easy breezy. Jolly lo gymkhana, Jagathjanardhana Jigsa even. So dont'orry madkobyadrima, ok na?

10yearslate sahebra: Kalsi kalsi! Apparently they've hired a warden to shoot at all the wild life that strays into the airport from the wilderness around too, the Sweet, caring people that they are.


shweta: Thanks!

maami: Same to you :P PS: Google translator thuppued at me saying there is no word called gobsmack and gibt and all. Inna mae, yenakku gibtu kondaandhit keeriyaa?

dee: aiyo no no ma, papa yaak asht ugeetheera aa underpassgal mele. traffic is much improved there. I agree it isnt fast but atleast we dont take 3-4 signals to cross it like we would before, remember? But yeah total wack thoo tarring only. What nonsense, alla?

Dee said...

thumba ne nonsense... nodona yeshtu dina adhu nadiyathe... hope it does nt go abck to sqaure 1... they claim that it has reduced travel time by 180 secs.. so no point looking a gift horse in the mouth...

comment_raja said...

you are making best blog. you vill vant to make best friend. i makings. you makings. ve all makings.

Sumi said...

Hey Bikerdude,

Long time no post??? BTB I didnt understand a bit from your previous post. Why ''kashtapaduthifying'' us by writing in German en all??? Looking forward to read your next post. hope its sometime soon and hope it has either ''kasthuri kannada'', or ''malleshwaram brahmin tamizh'' or '' chennai singara tamizh'' atleast.

Bikerdude said...

dee: Ok please please I have to say this. Yenna dee, eppadi irukke? Ok Im done. I dont know about the 180 seconds but naan anthu jhunnng antha haarthiddene ee naduve aa flyoversgal mele (I atleast jhung like that flying these middle days over those flyovers)

comment_raja: Yes freindship is worship. Goverment work is god's work, yatho raja, thatho praja, comment raja. Many loves, sleep sleep.

sumi: Idhu naaaaaaaaaaan ezhudhala :P. yedho oru bhootham yen udambukkulai poondhu yenna ezhutha vechchchchathu maaa. (Iiii didnt write this. One ghosht has entered off inside body and maaaade me write this maaa) And I'm very sorry you cannot use Devanahalli airport unless you speak german.
Max Mueller Bhavan, kindly admit sumi. (Also please send commission of one slice apfel strudel to me, as discussed previously, thank you.)

Harish said...

bombat post magaa

Vasoooo said...

Jusht returrrnerd phrom amurica - the internagional airport was ok i say but needu to give another 6 mronths for alberto brunnen to really make it indernational strandard. Taxi service oik but toilet service - not so oik...it took jusht 75 minutes early in the morng, with a realitively inegjperienced driver who was shifting gears liek no one's job, i say, to reach JP nagar 7th phase.

Patience is virue and all that alberto-but are u listening, i say???

- vasoo

Bikerdude said...

harish: aiyo thyanksappa, ella nim daye :)

vasoo: Gaaaaaaaaahaha, couldn't stop giggling. Can just picture you saying Mrronths and inegjuperienced! Heheheh. Too much!

Mohan K.V said...

Jing-chak postu guru! Shaane pasandagittu!

The German run-on names were the best!

:-)

Kaushik Vaideeswaran said...

Wirklich kuehl!! really really funny.. :D Propper parodical post i say!! never seen the airport tho.. hows it comin along??