Friday, April 4, 2008

South Indian Wedding Etiquette

If you're anything like me (and I hope for your own good that you aren't), I'm sure you're fed up to the gills with all the irritating things people do at South Indian weddings. I have decided therefore to publish a "Lets call it like it is" pamphlet on South Indian wedding etiquette, so that all the fools who make them as unpleasant as they are, can mend their errant ways. I have to add here though, that this pamphlet does not apply to Malayalee weddings. For them, a visiting card with the words "Do not blink, or you'll miss the wedding" will suffice.

Bridal etiquette
(1) Smile, woman. We didn't drive all the way through the maddening traffic to see you look doped-out and weepy. If you're that glum you probably shouldn't be geting married. Go home.
(2) Brown is beautiful. Really. If we wanted to see pancake, we'd go to dosa camp.
(3) If you liked the black saree you saw at the shop, wear it at your wedding. Anyone who says black is taboo has been irreversibly brainwashed by Queen Victoria who's dead anyway.
(4) If you plan to be in bridal makeup 4 hours into the reception that you invited us to attend, either give us the address of your beauty parlour so we can drop by and murder you, or for God's sake allow us to eat and go home.

Groom etiquette
(1) Face it, you can't help looking silly in semi-drag with an umbrella over your head. Just go with the flow.
(2) You can smile reassuringly at the bride, and maybe at your friends. Not at all the pretty young things around.
(3) Do not give your friends a "thumbs up" before, after, or while tying the knot. We shudder to imagine what you're implying by it.
(4) If you're a Greencard/H1 groom, try not to talk much. A Banshankari II Stage accent with a West Virginia overlay cannot be taken seriously when you have kohl in your eyes and a fat black dot on your cheek.
(5) You're going to be half naked at the wedding. Please work out. We wholeheartedly agree that your flab is nobody's business but yours. Seriously fool, hit that treadmill and pump that iron. Your wife will love it, and we will too. Unless you plan on saving on lunch expenses by putting your guests off their food for the next month.
(6) We really don't care if you don't understand what the priest is asking you to say. Google everything later. Do not irritate us by asking the priest to explain every line. Lunch is waiting.

Older guest etiquette
(1) Don't swarm the stage during the mangal sutra ceremony. This is the only part of the ceremony anybody has even the slightest amount of interest in. We do not want to fling our rice at your ample posterior. If you're that keen on establishing your importance in the ceremony, hang a sign around your neck.
(2) If you're too feeble to climb up to the stage, cut the drama and sit tight in your seat. Spare us the agony of watching you painfully hobble up the steps to bless the couple, holding up the rest of the ceremony for interminable periods of time. Just let the bride and groom know that you wish to bless them and if they think you're important enough, they will come down to you.
(3) When your beady eye spies a young guest who seems 'perfect for your third cousin's second daughter', shut the hell up. Do not point, glare, whisper or pounce. These are people, not camels at the Pushkar bazaar.
(4) When you see two young people talking and feel the urge to make an entendre-filled remark, slap yourself and go wash your face. You're proving irrefutably that the only thing that's on your mind, always, is sex.
(5) Before coming to the wedding, sit down and think of things to talk about, that do not involve coupling or reproduction. We realize how hard that can be, considering this is all you have ever thought about during your adult life. Make the effort, it is time you evolved. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the number of young friends you'll make, who won't get up and leave the moment they see you coming.

Younger/single guest etiquette
(1) Listen, if you'd rather stay home and not go to the wedding, we understand. We know you have a life and can do with a little less of the marriage pressure, you poor thing. There, there.
(2) It is acceptable to walk away when old biddies with only sex on their minds ask you your age, height or salary. In fact it is increasingly becoming acceptable etiquette to reach out and slap their faces before walking away.
(3) Flirt, flirt, flirt as much as you can. A wedding is the only place you are officially allowed to. Remember to mentally undress the flirtee though. Think kerosene colour pant shirt, faded green salwar kameez, yellow overgrown nails, bajji-pakoda induced thunder thighs and radish breath on a Thursday evening. See if the flirtee is still worth it. And if an oversexed old biddy swoops in and tries to hook the two of you up while you're still deciding, show them your armpit.
(4) If you can't handle all the irritating people, the smoke and the noise, either skid off with your gang to the kitchen, or hole up at a nearby ice cream shop. Nobody cares, besides if someone wants to reach you, you can always ignore them when they call you on your cell.
(5) If you're NRI or ABCD, wipe that perpetually surprised, open-mouthed leer off your face. We don't get it. Try frowning when you're uncomfortable, or grinning from ear to ear when you're happy, like normal people do. That way, we'll atleast know what's up with you.

Parent etiquette
(1) You're allowed to look good. But remember, you are at your most endearing when you look hassled and disheveled. The guests will take pity on you and leave you alone. If you're all primped relaxed, they will assume you haven't done enough for them.
(2) Delegate, delegate, delegate. Or die.
(3) Honestly, all the wild goose chases the priests send you on, are rubbish. You are allowed to tell them to go fish if you can't do something with minimum effort.
(4) Do not usher people secretly into the dressing room and palm them off with a recycled blouse piece. If you don't have anything nice to give them, just grab their hands and say "ate aa?"
(5) Do not get the audience's hopes up by waggling your finger at the nadaswaram players and getting them to play the getti melam every 43 seconds. One pee-pee-dum-dum during the thali ceremony is enough. Nobody cares about the rest.
(6) Tell the cameraman not to moon the audience everytime he wants to get a closeup of the groom picking his nose, or the bride counting her toes for the 600th time. He's going to scrap all the footage and encase their mugshots in purple circling hearts anyway.

Eating etiquette
(1) Try and get to the dining room as early as possible, to avoid the feeding frenzy. It doesnt matter if the cooks sigh and grumble that you're early. It will save you and the hosts needless trauma if the diners are spread out through the day.
(2) If you're the host, please get a grip on the number of guests you'e expecting. Make extra food, and make prior arrangements for the left over food to be transported someplace where it will be appreciated.
(3) We like it when you fuss over your guests. Makes us feel less guilty about stuffing our faces while the world outside starves, because you're the ones forcing us to.
(4) Don't be pathetic and hover over your fellow guests to make them finish fast. Go home and eat if you're that desperate.
(5) If there's something you don't like about the food, shut up. This is a one-off thing and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Remember the starving millions outside your door.
(6) Remember to eat everything on your leaf. It is good manners to ask for only as much food as you need, instead of dramatically folding over a leaf full of uneaten food at the end of the meal. Oh and did anyone tell you that folding a used leaf over after a meal is, in fact, bad manners? Well then.

Dress etiquette - women
(1) If you're under 45, wear anything you want. Really, everything from a 9 yards saree to a strappy number looks great on you.
(2) If you're over 50, do not wear anything you want. Really, sarees look awesome on you.
(3) Try not to wear those rather bizarre duppattas around your waists and over your forearms, that tie your arms back all evening. They're pretty but we feel sorry for you and do not want you to be deformed for life on their account.
(4) Do not wear stilettos. Most people in South Indian weddings run around barefoot. Amputees are significantly lower in the marriage market.
(5) It is now acceptable etiquette to wear fluorescent blue hawaii chappals with elaborate kanjeevaram sarees. You'll need to take your footwear off everywhere anyway, so you may as well wear something that won't be stolen. Besides, if it's men you are aiming to attract by dressing up, you can rest assured they won't be noticing your footwear.

Dress etiquette - men
(1) Dude, dress down. Please. Those jigajiga brocadey kurtas only serve to accentuate your thair sadham features and make you look dorkier than you already are.
(2) Leave those filmy man-dupattas that you wear around your neck, at home. They are 5 minutes ago. I will personally come and blow my nose and wipe my sweaty face with them if you don't.
(3) Give those curly jooties to the poor. Even they will probably hit you with them if you do. Wear sensible stuff like chappals or floaters that you can take off and leave at the door without worrying about them.
(4) If you're in Chennai, do not gel your hair. Even if you are an NRI. The gel will trickle down your face and make you look like The Melting Man. If you're in Bangalore, you may gel your hair in the months of December and January. For the rest of the year you will look like Juggy Dee. Nobody will marry you.
(5) The bare chested look is over. Even if you're 68. Especially if you're from my family. We know exactly where all the puliyogare and and panchamritam goes. Spare us.

Alright, go now. And behave.

173 comments:

Narendra shenoy said...

I'm da first! And I'm likely to be the first to pass away laughing!

Dude, the depth of your research boggles the mind. I award you the honorary D.Litt that is in my power to award. Arise, Doctor Biker.

Confession: I did the "asking the priest the meaning" thing for my wedding. The missus wasn't on "shut up, Naren!" terms with me just then, but came within an ace of clouting me on the side of the head with a coconut. Through clenched teeth "Can we do that later please?" she hissed and I remember it to this day.

Deepti Rao said...

I've been a loyal reader for a while now..i loved(LOVED) this post, especially the advice to the groom.
you rock!! :)

Anonymous said...

"Banshankari II Stage accent with a West Virginia overlay "

- that was pure genius!!!

unpredictable said...

Dood. Awesome stuff. Deeply insightful. And relevant. And ROTFL inducing. Kudos only!

Anonymous said...

biker dude: i would declare you the art buchwald of south india, but that would not do full justice to your genius. i could call you the pg wodehouse of bangalore, but that again, would be limiting. you are priceless.

'flourescent blue hawaii chappals with gorgeous kaanjevarams' is howlarious.

Pri said...

so of course i was super excited to see stalker subramani's blog. turns out it's just you. do not trick me like that again. ok? ok.

Prats said...

**recycled blouse piece

Masterpiece, this one...but tell me one thing..
How many weddings have u been following to get such intimate details aa???

You also know what to do when you finish eating....too much...
Should be printed and put up in all the Chatras...what say???
Full publicity for wedding planner- bikerdude...howzatt???

maxdavinci said...

"Remember to mentally undress the flirtee though. Imagine how they would look when they aren't all dressed up. Think kerosene colour pant shirt, faded green salwar kameez, yellow overgrown nails, bajji-pakoda induced thunder thighs and radish breath on a Thursday evening. See if the flirtee is still worth flirting with, lest one of the old biddies with only sex on their minds hitches you up with them."

fantastic, utterly fantastic...
I shunned weddings looong ago, but now I cant wait to attend one...

Pri said...

also i thought if you fold the leaf outwards it means you're done and you are satisfied. and if you fold it inwards it means you're just taking a break or you just weren't happy with the meal. tappaa?

Pri said...

oh wait. i meant the exact opposite. still thappaa?

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Dude,

I was told at a yeng age by a bromin acquaintance of mine that only non-bromins fold their leaves.

Kindly Advise,

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

"You come and go" - Culture Club

ggop said...

Dosa camp comment made me laugh like crazy!!
Congrats on a super post.

Anonymous said...

Wish I had a brown ponnu as a daughter. Un thalaila thatti kalyanam panni vechirukalaam.
P.S:Thanks for reminding me why I skipped my wedding and chose a civil marriage instead.

Yadu said...

One more. Dont ask the groom/bride's sister/brother, "yenamma/yenappa uanakku line clear aacha?" All the 500 people who attend the wedding will ask the same silly question.

Anonymous said...

Er, Iyengar groom and Iyer bride-a?
Charming art work!

I love Lucy said...

Olle observationsu Bikerdude avare.
One question : why are the women in your drawing soooooo well endowed? Bosom wise?

Usha said...

The next Tambrahm wedding I attend I am going to keep remembering every line of this hilarious oh-so-true post and keke pikke nu sirika poren.
And that behaviour is contrary to the over 45 etiquette prescribed. all your fault!
And worse if the wedding is my son's!
manam kappal era poradu - ellam un dayavule paiya.

brilliant brilliant.

Pettai Maami said...

Oiye..here goes more...

The old grannies..clutching your hand and sayng.."Konde..enna nyabagam irukka?? unga pattioda thopanaaroda konzhundarnaaroda ponnaakom naan"

The long queues for the receptions..just to wish d bride n d groom drives ppl mad...if they could just divert half the ppl to dining hall.. slurp..weddings wud b more enjoyable..

The aunties who start sayng.." endima..unga amma nokku paaka aarmbichutaala??" this wud be wen the girl wud just hav finished her teens..grr...

Also..the d blank faces on the bride/grooms face when we get ourselves introduced makes the whole scene embarrassing!!!

in all...Awshhhhumm da kanna...

Anonymous said...

Yenpa, Scooter Thambi.
Nee Brown thaan enakku pudicha colouru endru daily veetila & ella kalyanathil padina parents / relatives ellorum purinjippangale - ippadiya suthi valachu adha sollanum ?

mem said...

hehehe hilarious

i am going to print this out and leave it lying around in chatrams. :)

S said...

Everytime i attend a Tamilian wedding now, Im going to be thinking about whats really going on in the Bride and Groom's mind :)

plush said...

lol...i should ask someone to read this n get the point!

Anonymous said...

one sec...hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!
*the end*

Anonymous said...

dosa camp, dig @ queen victoria and groom's flab had my sides in split. you totally rock!
GE (5) may also include --kindly refrain from posing a item girl in white saree looks by adorning some decent jaddis as opposing to the kann koosing black jaddis/AE plaid boxers inside the panchakachams!

lol @ i love lucys observation on your women...seems true ;)

Anonymous said...

simply, brilliant!!

i think we can distribute this like a pamphlet along with the invitation. what say?

"edhavdhu pudhusa pannanum onnoda kalyanathla" !

--
Adithya

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, what on earth did you have to endure that provoked you to write this?! I was laughing through the whole thing. I agree with everything you've written, although if people took you seriously and actually did what you suggested, there would be nothing fun to write about any more, right?

S said...

P.s- Excellent job! Thats all that I've ever wanted to say, but never got around to doing it!
So you're a Tamilian, a biker and a singer. Soulmate, where've You been? :D

themartianscientist said...

My GAWD! Kalakkitte! so many times i have thought about some of these things(my horizon has been highly limited by NRI diet)...full worshippings!!!whatay!

themartianscientist said...

Also, the ample bosom might be because BD, you may not know otherwise, inspired from all the women AND men in the family:D....one wedding incident i will never forget- oooH, idhu onn ponna!!! periyavalaai yevvlow varsham aachu??- at that point i left the convo, and left amma to come up with a polite answer:D

Anonymous said...

Awesome post pa! Weddings are so much fun in real and on blogsphere. Lot of experience I think in attending weddings.. Correctaa?

playbyrules said...

what do i say? made me laugh on a sunday morning! it is under print no?

Abhipraya said...

Dude have to print and distribute this :) I will sponsor. One more to the list for parents / relatives - Do not insist that the already overloaded with gold and mallige hoo bride should pile on a little more because "this is the big day that all of us have been waiting for." The girl has to look at this almost karaga pictures for the rest of her life (the half naked groom next to her not withstanding.)

Super post! Excellent diversion when I am trying very hard not to write that article :)

Bikerdude said...

My god, thanks so much all. Never thought this crazy rant would provoke so many nice reactions! Will write back soon :)

Bikerdude said...

narendra: heh, next time don't do all such things ok? ok (Kidding ;))

deepti rao, anu, unpredictable, maxdavinci, ggop, mem, plush, anonymous: Muy danks :)

anoushka: My gaad blush what I say :)

pri: Yes, yes I admit it. I cannot the help, very sorry. And no, there is no right way of folding banana leaf. Just leave it alone. Ask stalkee.

Puppy Saar: Yes eh? I don't know boss. I thought whoever you are you shouldnt fold only.

prats: Enough to heave em coming out of my ears! Big family what to do. Yes Im also planning to employ someone to tattoo all these on people's err faces if they dont obey.

maami: Yaen maami don't you wish the best for your child? :P Yes it is mix-sed marriage, mainly because I tried and failed at drawing Aandal kondai and madisaar for Iyengar bride.

yadu: Ugh I know that line all too well !!

i love lucy: Ahem. Noticed aa? Yes my family dot com is rather err blessed in that regard. KIndly also note cousin martianscientist's pan-gender observation below :P

usha: please slap off one two maamis for me no like that only.

Bikerdude said...

poojitha: Heheh bhesh bhesh.. remmmmbhe nanna irukku :)


james: adhellaam panniyaachu, yaarum kelkkalae. Adhanala thaan ippadi maar adichchindirukkaen. Hmm.. Yennamoda Raghava. Yennaththa panna, 'Aara kaekka. :)

swetha: If you manage to escape the clutches of the maami brood that is!

martianscientist: Yaen maa caandroversy kalappurai. Naanga konjam overaave well built kudumbam nnu ulagaththukkellam solli maanatha vaanganumaa? Aiyo aiyo nobody will marry us now. Inspite of the fact that I have perivan aagified more than a decade ago :P

nrimaami: Ayyo yaen kaekkureenga andha kathaiya. Porum porum nu aayiduthu.

playbyrules: Thanks!
Heh sure, soon it will be all over town lol

abhipraaya: Gaaahaha has that actually happened? Too funny!

Prajeesh Jayaram L said...

"Lungis with Mickey mouse logos and green disco lights..."
Hilarious! :)

Anonymous said...

Ayyo, this is orrey too much only! I think that whenever I do get married, I'm printing this and sending instead of wedding invitation :-)

Anonymous said...

"Brown is beautiful. Really. If we wanted to see pancake, we'd go to dosa camp"

Too Gud!!!!

I am a soon to be wed bride and will keep these things in mind:)

Anonymous said...

HA HA HA HA HA! HAA HAAA HAAA HAA!
*GROAN* My tummy hurts - I'll stop now.

Good one!

Unknown said...

This is some extreme madness.

As a norm, naa kalyaaNattukkellaam pOnaa verum chaappaaDai maTTum daan edirpaattu pOvEn. aana ippo vErai reason kuDuttuTTai nee (yeses, I am a PKD Iyer).

illa namm geLeyar madvegaLige hOdre gOinda. allE flat annsbiDtaare.

I am astonished that the groom and bride don't have cramps during the reception on their face thanks to the incessant smiling.

nyangaL malayaaLeegaLai ningaL viTTallO. endaa nyangaLDe vivaaham okke ningaLukku ishTam illE?

aal in all, aLaguraajappa nee.

Unknown said...

Great humour. loved it

aMus said...

HA..HA..HA...
this was very very funny...

did u mention teh damn vdo camera and teh lights which try to catch you hogging...

loved this...:D

Sandhya Menon said...

Yahahahahahahhahahahaaha.. what do you smoke, man, to write this funny?? I thought of alllllllllllllllll the weddings I've been to and how I've cursed the sex-obsessed geriatrics for climbing the dais because my heart hits the back of my teeth and I am sitting at the edge of my seat watching them between my fingers worried scared they won't take a fall and kill themselves!
I am complaining: You missed mallu weddings. Blink and miss is one thing -- the sadya-eating is scarrrrrrry to watch and so is the bride!! Keep it up, I say. Hahahaha!

Somebody Else said...

Yes, I am laughing silently at the irony. I jusssssttttt created my sisters' online wedding invitation site.
I jussssttt aaalso came back from the accompany-folks-to-invite-relatives routine where the only smart thing I could do to counter the "What maa? Line clear!" witticism was gulp some more philter coffee and grin stupidly.
(An "Oh Absolutely uncle! I was telling my half-Afghan baayfriend just that!" would take the sorta guts my mental anatomy misses, regardless of how priceless the reactions would have been. che!)

Goodness! When will you Malleshwaram folk learn to leave us Banashankari types alone? 2nd stage that too. The nerve! x-(

PS- Hilllllaarrrious. Sheegrameva Kalyana Praaptirastu. Bless you. :P

Bikerdude said...

gradwolf: feel free boss :) In fact also distribute fly swats to slap themselves if they disobey any of the rules.

prajeesh, penguin, anonymous, desigirl, captainjohann: Thanks :)

the quark: Oho chatur bhaasha praveena na neevu? very good very good :) mallu vivahangal enikku valare ishtama. Especially the sadya afterwards :)

thinking aloud: Oh yeah how could I forget! We need a whole section on this, no?

therestlessquill: Aiyo I love mallu weddings I say. OK yes mallu table manners at teh sadya leave a tad to be desired, but the yummm food!! Slurp! Why is the bride scary btw?

siri: heheh good strategy. Err no thanks, regarding the kalyana blessing :P And Nevah, regarding leaving Bannos (short for BSK II stg vaasis) alone !!

Sandhya Menon said...

Because she's wearing all that Pole Alukkas gold, men!So much they make her wear. Poor thing.

On a professional note: I work for a newspaper that features local as well as non-local blogs in its dubious pages. I've been dying to feature yours. But first we need permission from author. Could you give me an email I could write in to you at (the one here doesn't seem to be working) so I can 'take permission'. Game?

Anonymous said...

The handshakes after the maangalya dhaaranam!!

The immediate flurry of relieved handshakes originating from the 'girl's side' of the family after the maangalyadhaaranam will make any groom wary and wonder if he's been dudded in any way.

claytonia vices said...

I wanted to say hilarious and side-splitting but I think it was funnier than these words can describe!!

Anonymous said...

innondu mukhyavAdamsha...ee ganDu heNNu yavagloo invitationnalli haakida timegay barodilla saar, tumbaa mujugra aagatthe...ppl staring at each other the whole time esht(?)imating the wealth, health and family propects of others..hogli good time to catch up on ur old friendsoo andre haLaaddu music and makkala meLa beray...innodu asaHyabariso issue andre using the same taTTay during the "baffett" (aka boffay), eraDane round baroru dayaviTTu beray taTTe togoLLi antha invitationnalle print maaDbeko yeno...i also miss the scenes where the ammas and appas of small makkaLu telling them an extra ladoo (yay aakaili isko ladoona..etc)in the left hand so that the kid can eat it later...maduvemaneli sigo haasya berelloo sigalla maarayaray.

Bikerdude said...

therestlessquill: Ahh. D'uh how could I forget :) P.S: This email (bikerdudeblr@gmail.com) works. Sure you spelt it right and all that? Much honoured I say :)

10yearslate: Heheh. Papa I hope you didnt feel that way about poor Mrs 10 years late!

claytonia, moodymermaid: Thanks :)

anonymous: LOL Gosh those are some really awesome observations in the dining room. (For those who dont speak kannada: Bride and groom arriving late leaving ppl gawking at each other, Tinny ghastly music, People returning to the buffet with used plates and snitching extra laddoos for the kids). I think the idea of bere thatte (using fresh plates per returning visit) will never catch on because the caterers charge per thatte for billing ansuthe.

Jay said...

Sisya,

Swalpa jaasthi ne frustrate agiddhya ansutthe.... (astu traumatic aagittha .. e madhuve?)

:D

Bit Hawk said...

Sooper compilation guru!!!
And your drawings are simply superb!

Anita said...

Hey...Extremely funny stuff..enjoyed reading your blog...!

Usha said...

i went to attend a funeral mass and this lady walked upto me to tell me that the next one in row in the family is me!!

i wonder what kind of a joke that was.. and right then her husband comes by to clarify that she's talking about the next wedding in the family... during a funeral mass.. hopeless ppls, i say!

VikramAdith said...

Besh besh! Hilarious.

Unknown said...

Mr BikerDude,
You are simply awesome, frankly im not into blogs, i dont even read them, but i have to admit, im a big fan of ur blogs since the time i hav read this,i have not laughed so hard in a long time now.
:) grt job,,
regards

Anonymous said...

hello ,

this is too good :).. i had a wide smile and i oly kept telling yes yes.. till the end... perfectly written.. adare nevu reception nale photographer baage also comment madabeketu :)
it was very funny :D:D

Unknown said...

Dude an amazing blog write up. I cud neva stop laughing. Every point that u've written is truth and is to be noted n followed....

Local said...

Ew. You overdid it, dude. Big turn-off to see so much attitude in one so young (yeah, it shows). You sound like a brat from middle-class B'lore schooling.

Couldn't find a single neat thing about weddings beyond food and flirting, hm? Being single doesn't have to make you sneeringly cynical.

Sad.

a million different people said...

Ayyo, I'm telling you, almost precisely what I encountered at a relative's wedding. praarabdha, I think.

What caught my goat (throat?) though, was something else and made my lazy ass self get up from reading blogs and I actually did blog about it.

PS: Can't (Didn't) get as funny as you though. :(

Rocking on My Heels said...

Hey!

Awesome complilation and so true too!
I have got the "Line clear a?" at almost every wedding I have been to!!!

I was rolling on the floor in fits! :)

Bikerdude said...

jay: Illa magax, sumar madvegalig hogi compile madirodh idhu :P

bithawk, anita,vikramadith, sanjana, archana, shreyas: thanks!

usha: Hehehe boss too funny!

Yoda: Oh very sorry boss, will go stand in a corner. Or should i say "Stand corner in, I will." Bwaaaaaaaaaaahahaha. Kindly excuse middle class humour.
PS: You just paid me the nicest compliment anyone has in a while- by calling me young!

a million different people: Lol good one boss- had a good laugh especially at your various scientific methods of kicking butt :)

blogged in: Thanks! Ah the dreaded 'line cleara?' After years of thinking of an appropriate comeback, Ive decided to say "yes". And spill one tumbler coffee down their fronts, cough hackingly in their faces, blow my nose with their pallus and leave.

Anonymous said...

What's a party pooper on your dance floor when you are the Yo-Narthengai in the Big Fat Tamil Kalyanam? Du-it-again-Dude

Neets said...

Sathyamaa... verre onnum solla mudiyathu... just so true. ... i like the 'banashankari 2nd stage' line...

deepocean said...

hilarious to the core. Kept me thinking if I like going to weddings or not. It started of as "yes" as a kid then, to "no" as a teenager for the only reason "when is yours". Missed out on all the flirting part.. Anyway, most of the south indian "telugu", "kannada" and "tamil" weddings that I attended in Bangalore dint have that many smart ones to really flirt around. Now a days, its become more of a formality to attend a wedding. The next one on the plate is on 23rd April. I think I'll be giggling all through 'cause I'm going there with a print out of this as a checklist to see how many fit there. OK na? :)

Sai said...

Dude..the explanation u have given in all the etiquettes is awesome and funniest i hav seen.Its true that its still happening esp in brahmin marriages.I am a brahmin and I knw the funny things hapening around.I think u have been badly bruised after attending so many marriages.LOL..One thing u have forgotten to mention in that old ppl etiquette is that, after the mangal sutra has been tied, ppl flock to the brothers or sisters, asking them. "ATHIMBAER VANTHACHA".Thats the most irritating and the funnies part as well..cheers to u mate.keep rocking.

Local said...

Ahhhh ... Teflon guys who sneer make sad husbands anyway, youthful or not. It's for the best that you can't appreciate, because then you can't exploit.:)

Bikerdude said...

maami: Never cross a Jedi. He will kill you with one swipe of his light pen. Or perhaps with several stabs of his rather incoherent wit :P

neets: Thanks!

deep ocean: Thanks! good idea :)

sai: Haha good one!

Yodakutty: You're absolutely right, the price of fish has skyrocketted this summer.

Anonymous said...

Hi Bikerdude,
My first time on your blog, and reading this post has made me a true fan of your writing...being a tambram, could identify with all of what you've written....the next wedding I attend, i wont be able to stop laughing remembering your words :)
You got yourself another regular reader!

Idling in Top Gear said...

Hilarious! Although disappointed that you didn't mention anything about the % by body weight female guests are allowed to wear in gold or other jewelery!

Unknown said...

Young/single guest etiquette, Point number 4 - Kickass man!!

Unknown said...

Haha what can I say, adjectives fail me. This post left me with ulcers in my stomach. All the intricate details from recycled blouse pieces to West Virginia overtures slickly woven. It was bloody brilliant. It brightened up my day. Cheers to you mate!! What do you do for a living besides blogging?

Anonymous said...

Just two comments:

1. Is it different with North Indian weddings?

2. I'm glad I'm a Coorgi. We just get drunk, gorge on the pork, enjoy the scenery (if you know what I mean!)and forget what we did when we wake up the next morning.

La vida Loca said...

ROFL
would have loved to have this at my wedding lol

Vish Vijay said...

Brilliant! Best blog entry I've ever read! I take a bow.

neha said...

ha! so much fun.
I think I may just be inspired to create an equivalent for punjabi weddings!
-n

Anonymous said...

Dear BikerDude,

well spoken on many matters, you know, this might be a bit violent,
but my experience with marriage is crazy.

I do admit if I had your sense of humorous direction, I would have smiled in all my wedding pictures.

I really wanted to punch people in the teeth regardless of sex, or their sexual orientation. But now I know there are less violent ways to deal with marriage ettiqutte.

P.S. I have never punched anyone except my closest friend, in the ear in grade 8, in all my life. the punching thing is only a whatif senario, it mainly a western custom for expressing anguish

Ok bye continue good work

Anonymous said...

I've felt the same way about every single thing you said! Profound of you to go ahead and advice all the doofs who need the tips. And yes, the ice cream shop is the best place.

Another tip, try to avoid getting that 'smoke' outside and returning. Especially if the bride (your cousin) doesn't know you do and you came back and are asked to adjust her hair jewelry and she smelt the only trace of the cigarette remaining on your palm!

GB said...

Hahahaahaha...I doubt if you will even see this comment since this post is some months old..but anyway, if you ever get a chance to attend a Mallu Communist wedding, don't miss the chance. Comrade marries Comrade and lots of Comrades makes speeches about Karl Marx. Somewhere in between, they manage a marriage.

Viju said...

Someone fwded your blog ...and man I fell off my couch laughing!This was my first time and I totally relate to every word hailing from the land of "melting men":D and being a "thair sadam" myself!Dhool!

Ashmita said...

killer blog!! do u by any chance read maddox.xmission stuff.. seems like it.. your blogs are sorta on the same line though not as condescending as his.. btw i don't know you!

The Psycho Blogger said...

dude you sure have a lot of spare time on your hands, don't you :D

Anonymous said...

Hahaha.. I just happened to come across ur blog.. all ur posts r so humorous..this post made me burst into laughter.. good work..keep blogging

Manu Gurudatha said...

Awesome, dude!
Loved this one!

Anonymous said...

so what kind of wedding are you set for or what wedding do you think your children will have?

CS said...

Hilarious!! Well said and so typical!! I could just visualize the whole wedding scenario!! Way to go buddy!

UndeniablyBlah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
UndeniablyBlah said...

Super funny:D
Would you also add an addendum and tell the mappillai boys to kindly decently not show-off their ramaraj jatties below their panchakachham?Not a good sight that!:( :P

Mrudula Aaduru said...

Absolutely hilarious... :-)

Anonymous said...

hey bikerdude... u r one funny guy!! too good! I can't stop laughing.

Mads said...

Interesting topic , well reearched , great sense of humour and is sure to captivate any reader. Good luck
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Priti said...

ok. its been almost two years since you wrote this, and almost as long since i first read it. I've come back many many times since, to read this post, and its charm hasn't diminished at all. its the cutest thing i've read. thank you for making my day for the nth time :D

Sardonic_Sue said...

May I add some more...?

For the groom
1. you ARE NOT losing out on your independence as much as the woman who has agreed to let you rule her! Act like a mature man! We women have had enough of the 'shaddi hai barbadi' banter! After all, you haven't lost your friends or the job that you had (I had to move to Bengaluru from Dilli). Instead, try sympathising with her...
2. Stare at the pretty young things as much as you want as this may be YOUR LAST DAY to do so... Instead of feeling jealous, FEEL PROUD! In the midst of so many of them, you have a piece of meat you can call your own!


For Bride
1. It is, in fact, OKAY not to smile till your lips rip apart since you and your man are the ones closest to the smoke and the fire. Besides, after a while, nobody is noticing your plastic smiles.
2. You NEED NOT feel happy just because a man is allowing you to change your surname to his. Also, prepare yourself for a lifetime's ignominy of being a second rate citizen not only at his house, but your own too! YES! You will have to watch your mother, father, ajji, thatha, brothers and the whole entourage fuss over this one man who never showed any interest in knowing what makes his wife tick!

padmum said...

As one of the over 60's I enjoyed the 21st C rules and regulations. Very necessary.

I would like to add that two things you should take to a wedding apart from the recycled gift from your own family weddings:
1. Cotton wool to block out the sounds of thavil, gossip and high pitched conversation--decibels raised by surround systems.
2. An imaginary zipper for your mouth for if you are going to talk, you will end up with voice loss a day later (ask me--right now I am dumbstruck after an 80th birthday!!)

Enjoyed!

Arpita said...

Can relate to almost everything here being a Kannadiga!

You have some way of putting things across, wow! Cant stop laughing :)

Keep writing. You'll be keeping a lotta ppl healthier!

Kusum said...

Had a hearty laugh.

karunya said...

that was just amazing!!!!!!all those details.......so well noted....makes me laugh when i think about all those marriages i have attended o far and all the goof ups i see!!!

Anonymous said...

Excellent blog on
Indian ....
South Indian..
Tamil wedding..
been to many of those weddings...enjoyed every moment of it..and experienced all that u had mentioned in yr blog..keep blogging!!!
Ms.NR,DE,US.

lalita said...

u shudve left out the elders , not all are perverted..
heh
and about the photographers during the reception:
dude stop taking a million different pictures of those tired souls who look like genetically engineered monkeys trying out bharatnatyam stunts,

and STOP telling the groom to throw his dupatta or shawl into mid air simultaneously attempting to hug the bride ,are u trying to make him into a ra.one Or do you want to become a potential action director in the near future.. ?!


and Finaaly, (cant stop venting my frustration here)
please do not tell me to wear a *fashionable* sari for my cousins wedding ,so i become stagnant in it and die of diarrhea due to not eating the wonderful food displayed out there BECAUSE ..I CANNOT WALK In the friggin sari.
n next time i am wearing a bathrobe for the reception and YES i will EAT this time,

AMEN!

ulag said...

Thair Saadham features?? Lol!!

Uv scarred me for life!! Ill never be able to look in the mirror and not see the Thair Saadham and pickle that I so love :P

And, the wedding photographer deserves a nice dressing down too. He makes the bride and groom pose with such outlandish gestures that hes downright evil. To top it he photoshops the background and adds some Yash Chopra-esque swiss gardens!!! Oh the ignominy!! Makes u go all Darth Vader Nooooooo....

RS said...

yenna nanna yeldikre da neenu! abso tam bram wedding! faced most of this myself. 'USthevu ye kalyanu pankyo ma. ange life roma nanna ikarna' all the way to 'neen yenna vashru aiyutikra! kalyanu yaar pankyora?' :)))) cheers to your blogs! they're sensational! :)

Namitha said...

Absolutely hilarious! Exactly why I've been boycotting all family functions.
The only thing missing is Wedding Photographer Etiquette... but that'll probably be a really long blog in itself.

Chai said...

Can we have a kids etiquette section too?

Sanjay said...

Just a visitor here. It maybe years since you've posted this, but the humour lingers on. You need to preserve this post in a museum for future generations.Tempted to unearth your other classics too and in the process currently :-). Summing it up in one word - Sooopar

Cheers
Sanjay

Anonymous said...

lol...

shashi said...

pee pee - dum dum ..classic

Anonymous said...

This was such a fun read! Awesome, really well captured!

I'm a kanndiga all set to marry a bengali next year. I pray to God that I don't remember any bits of your blog while I'm getting married because I'll probably come off as a retarded bride with the-big-hanger-in-my-mouth look.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic observation. Infact recommend to print these instructions behind wedding card. Worth noting

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You might want to add this in the Groom etiquette section:
Do not hold the gifts against your crotch during the reception photo session! Watched a groom yesterday who may wind up with an album full of pictures with colourful boxes against his crotch

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