Friday, April 4, 2008

South Indian Wedding Etiquette

If you're anything like me (and I hope for your own good that you aren't), I'm sure you're fed up to the gills with all the irritating things people do at South Indian weddings. I have decided therefore to publish a "Lets call it like it is" pamphlet on South Indian wedding etiquette, so that all the fools who make them as unpleasant as they are, can mend their errant ways. I have to add here though, that this pamphlet does not apply to Malayalee weddings. For them, a visiting card with the words "Do not blink, or you'll miss the wedding" will suffice.

Bridal etiquette
(1) Smile, woman. We didn't drive all the way through the maddening traffic to see you look doped-out and weepy. If you're that glum you probably shouldn't be geting married. Go home.
(2) Brown is beautiful. Really. If we wanted to see pancake, we'd go to dosa camp.
(3) If you liked the black saree you saw at the shop, wear it at your wedding. Anyone who says black is taboo has been irreversibly brainwashed by Queen Victoria who's dead anyway.
(4) If you plan to be in bridal makeup 4 hours into the reception that you invited us to attend, either give us the address of your beauty parlour so we can drop by and murder you, or for God's sake allow us to eat and go home.

Groom etiquette
(1) Face it, you can't help looking silly in semi-drag with an umbrella over your head. Just go with the flow.
(2) You can smile reassuringly at the bride, and maybe at your friends. Not at all the pretty young things around.
(3) Do not give your friends a "thumbs up" before, after, or while tying the knot. We shudder to imagine what you're implying by it.
(4) If you're a Greencard/H1 groom, try not to talk much. A Banshankari II Stage accent with a West Virginia overlay cannot be taken seriously when you have kohl in your eyes and a fat black dot on your cheek.
(5) You're going to be half naked at the wedding. Please work out. We wholeheartedly agree that your flab is nobody's business but yours. Seriously fool, hit that treadmill and pump that iron. Your wife will love it, and we will too. Unless you plan on saving on lunch expenses by putting your guests off their food for the next month.
(6) We really don't care if you don't understand what the priest is asking you to say. Google everything later. Do not irritate us by asking the priest to explain every line. Lunch is waiting.

Older guest etiquette
(1) Don't swarm the stage during the mangal sutra ceremony. This is the only part of the ceremony anybody has even the slightest amount of interest in. We do not want to fling our rice at your ample posterior. If you're that keen on establishing your importance in the ceremony, hang a sign around your neck.
(2) If you're too feeble to climb up to the stage, cut the drama and sit tight in your seat. Spare us the agony of watching you painfully hobble up the steps to bless the couple, holding up the rest of the ceremony for interminable periods of time. Just let the bride and groom know that you wish to bless them and if they think you're important enough, they will come down to you.
(3) When your beady eye spies a young guest who seems 'perfect for your third cousin's second daughter', shut the hell up. Do not point, glare, whisper or pounce. These are people, not camels at the Pushkar bazaar.
(4) When you see two young people talking and feel the urge to make an entendre-filled remark, slap yourself and go wash your face. You're proving irrefutably that the only thing that's on your mind, always, is sex.
(5) Before coming to the wedding, sit down and think of things to talk about, that do not involve coupling or reproduction. We realize how hard that can be, considering this is all you have ever thought about during your adult life. Make the effort, it is time you evolved. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the number of young friends you'll make, who won't get up and leave the moment they see you coming.

Younger/single guest etiquette
(1) Listen, if you'd rather stay home and not go to the wedding, we understand. We know you have a life and can do with a little less of the marriage pressure, you poor thing. There, there.
(2) It is acceptable to walk away when old biddies with only sex on their minds ask you your age, height or salary. In fact it is increasingly becoming acceptable etiquette to reach out and slap their faces before walking away.
(3) Flirt, flirt, flirt as much as you can. A wedding is the only place you are officially allowed to. Remember to mentally undress the flirtee though. Think kerosene colour pant shirt, faded green salwar kameez, yellow overgrown nails, bajji-pakoda induced thunder thighs and radish breath on a Thursday evening. See if the flirtee is still worth it. And if an oversexed old biddy swoops in and tries to hook the two of you up while you're still deciding, show them your armpit.
(4) If you can't handle all the irritating people, the smoke and the noise, either skid off with your gang to the kitchen, or hole up at a nearby ice cream shop. Nobody cares, besides if someone wants to reach you, you can always ignore them when they call you on your cell.
(5) If you're NRI or ABCD, wipe that perpetually surprised, open-mouthed leer off your face. We don't get it. Try frowning when you're uncomfortable, or grinning from ear to ear when you're happy, like normal people do. That way, we'll atleast know what's up with you.

Parent etiquette
(1) You're allowed to look good. But remember, you are at your most endearing when you look hassled and disheveled. The guests will take pity on you and leave you alone. If you're all primped relaxed, they will assume you haven't done enough for them.
(2) Delegate, delegate, delegate. Or die.
(3) Honestly, all the wild goose chases the priests send you on, are rubbish. You are allowed to tell them to go fish if you can't do something with minimum effort.
(4) Do not usher people secretly into the dressing room and palm them off with a recycled blouse piece. If you don't have anything nice to give them, just grab their hands and say "ate aa?"
(5) Do not get the audience's hopes up by waggling your finger at the nadaswaram players and getting them to play the getti melam every 43 seconds. One pee-pee-dum-dum during the thali ceremony is enough. Nobody cares about the rest.
(6) Tell the cameraman not to moon the audience everytime he wants to get a closeup of the groom picking his nose, or the bride counting her toes for the 600th time. He's going to scrap all the footage and encase their mugshots in purple circling hearts anyway.

Eating etiquette
(1) Try and get to the dining room as early as possible, to avoid the feeding frenzy. It doesnt matter if the cooks sigh and grumble that you're early. It will save you and the hosts needless trauma if the diners are spread out through the day.
(2) If you're the host, please get a grip on the number of guests you'e expecting. Make extra food, and make prior arrangements for the left over food to be transported someplace where it will be appreciated.
(3) We like it when you fuss over your guests. Makes us feel less guilty about stuffing our faces while the world outside starves, because you're the ones forcing us to.
(4) Don't be pathetic and hover over your fellow guests to make them finish fast. Go home and eat if you're that desperate.
(5) If there's something you don't like about the food, shut up. This is a one-off thing and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Remember the starving millions outside your door.
(6) Remember to eat everything on your leaf. It is good manners to ask for only as much food as you need, instead of dramatically folding over a leaf full of uneaten food at the end of the meal. Oh and did anyone tell you that folding a used leaf over after a meal is, in fact, bad manners? Well then.

Dress etiquette - women
(1) If you're under 45, wear anything you want. Really, everything from a 9 yards saree to a strappy number looks great on you.
(2) If you're over 50, do not wear anything you want. Really, sarees look awesome on you.
(3) Try not to wear those rather bizarre duppattas around your waists and over your forearms, that tie your arms back all evening. They're pretty but we feel sorry for you and do not want you to be deformed for life on their account.
(4) Do not wear stilettos. Most people in South Indian weddings run around barefoot. Amputees are significantly lower in the marriage market.
(5) It is now acceptable etiquette to wear fluorescent blue hawaii chappals with elaborate kanjeevaram sarees. You'll need to take your footwear off everywhere anyway, so you may as well wear something that won't be stolen. Besides, if it's men you are aiming to attract by dressing up, you can rest assured they won't be noticing your footwear.

Dress etiquette - men
(1) Dude, dress down. Please. Those jigajiga brocadey kurtas only serve to accentuate your thair sadham features and make you look dorkier than you already are.
(2) Leave those filmy man-dupattas that you wear around your neck, at home. They are 5 minutes ago. I will personally come and blow my nose and wipe my sweaty face with them if you don't.
(3) Give those curly jooties to the poor. Even they will probably hit you with them if you do. Wear sensible stuff like chappals or floaters that you can take off and leave at the door without worrying about them.
(4) If you're in Chennai, do not gel your hair. Even if you are an NRI. The gel will trickle down your face and make you look like The Melting Man. If you're in Bangalore, you may gel your hair in the months of December and January. For the rest of the year you will look like Juggy Dee. Nobody will marry you.
(5) The bare chested look is over. Even if you're 68. Especially if you're from my family. We know exactly where all the puliyogare and and panchamritam goes. Spare us.

Alright, go now. And behave.

121 comments:

narendra shenoy said...

I'm da first! And I'm likely to be the first to pass away laughing!

Dude, the depth of your research boggles the mind. I award you the honorary D.Litt that is in my power to award. Arise, Doctor Biker.

Confession: I did the "asking the priest the meaning" thing for my wedding. The missus wasn't on "shut up, Naren!" terms with me just then, but came within an ace of clouting me on the side of the head with a coconut. Through clenched teeth "Can we do that later please?" she hissed and I remember it to this day.

Deepti Rao said...

I've been a loyal reader for a while now..i loved(LOVED) this post, especially the advice to the groom.
you rock!! :)

Anu said...

"Banshankari II Stage accent with a West Virginia overlay "

- that was pure genius!!!

unpredictable said...

Dood. Awesome stuff. Deeply insightful. And relevant. And ROTFL inducing. Kudos only!

anoushka taraporevala said...

biker dude: i would declare you the art buchwald of south india, but that would not do full justice to your genius. i could call you the pg wodehouse of bangalore, but that again, would be limiting. you are priceless.

'flourescent blue hawaii chappals with gorgeous kaanjevarams' is howlarious.

Pri said...

so of course i was super excited to see stalker subramani's blog. turns out it's just you. do not trick me like that again. ok? ok.

Prats said...

**recycled blouse piece

Masterpiece, this one...but tell me one thing..
How many weddings have u been following to get such intimate details aa???

You also know what to do when you finish eating....too much...
Should be printed and put up in all the Chatras...what say???
Full publicity for wedding planner- bikerdude...howzatt???

maxdavinci said...

"Remember to mentally undress the flirtee though. Imagine how they would look when they aren't all dressed up. Think kerosene colour pant shirt, faded green salwar kameez, yellow overgrown nails, bajji-pakoda induced thunder thighs and radish breath on a Thursday evening. See if the flirtee is still worth flirting with, lest one of the old biddies with only sex on their minds hitches you up with them."

fantastic, utterly fantastic...
I shunned weddings looong ago, but now I cant wait to attend one...

Pri said...

also i thought if you fold the leaf outwards it means you're done and you are satisfied. and if you fold it inwards it means you're just taking a break or you just weren't happy with the meal. tappaa?

Pri said...

oh wait. i meant the exact opposite. still thappaa?

Puppy Manohar said...

Dear Mr. Dude,

I was told at a yeng age by a bromin acquaintance of mine that only non-bromins fold their leaves.

Kindly Advise,

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

"You come and go" - Culture Club

ggop said...

Dosa camp comment made me laugh like crazy!!
Congrats on a super post.

maami said...

Wish I had a brown ponnu as a daughter. Un thalaila thatti kalyanam panni vechirukalaam.
P.S:Thanks for reminding me why I skipped my wedding and chose a civil marriage instead.

Yadu said...

One more. Dont ask the groom/bride's sister/brother, "yenamma/yenappa uanakku line clear aacha?" All the 500 people who attend the wedding will ask the same silly question.

maami said...

Er, Iyengar groom and Iyer bride-a?
Charming art work!

I love Lucy said...

Olle observationsu Bikerdude avare.
One question : why are the women in your drawing soooooo well endowed? Bosom wise?

Usha said...

The next Tambrahm wedding I attend I am going to keep remembering every line of this hilarious oh-so-true post and keke pikke nu sirika poren.
And that behaviour is contrary to the over 45 etiquette prescribed. all your fault!
And worse if the wedding is my son's!
manam kappal era poradu - ellam un dayavule paiya.

brilliant brilliant.

Poojitha said...

Oiye..here goes more...

The old grannies..clutching your hand and sayng.."Konde..enna nyabagam irukka?? unga pattioda thopanaaroda konzhundarnaaroda ponnaakom naan"

The long queues for the receptions..just to wish d bride n d groom drives ppl mad...if they could just divert half the ppl to dining hall.. slurp..weddings wud b more enjoyable..

The aunties who start sayng.." endima..unga amma nokku paaka aarmbichutaala??" this wud be wen the girl wud just hav finished her teens..grr...

Also..the d blank faces on the bride/grooms face when we get ourselves introduced makes the whole scene embarrassing!!!

in all...Awshhhhumm da kanna...

James Mylaporean said...

Yenpa, Scooter Thambi.
Nee Brown thaan enakku pudicha colouru endru daily veetila & ella kalyanathil padina parents / relatives ellorum purinjippangale - ippadiya suthi valachu adha sollanum ?

mem said...

hehehe hilarious

i am going to print this out and leave it lying around in chatrams. :)

Swetha said...

Everytime i attend a Tamilian wedding now, Im going to be thinking about whats really going on in the Bride and Groom's mind :)

plush said...

lol...i should ask someone to read this n get the point!

Anonymous said...

one sec...hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!
*the end*

kavitha said...

dosa camp, dig @ queen victoria and groom's flab had my sides in split. you totally rock!
GE (5) may also include --kindly refrain from posing a item girl in white saree looks by adorning some decent jaddis as opposing to the kann koosing black jaddis/AE plaid boxers inside the panchakachams!

lol @ i love lucys observation on your women...seems true ;)

gradwolf said...

simply, brilliant!!

i think we can distribute this like a pamphlet along with the invitation. what say?

"edhavdhu pudhusa pannanum onnoda kalyanathla" !

--
Adithya

Kamini said...

Oh my goodness, what on earth did you have to endure that provoked you to write this?! I was laughing through the whole thing. I agree with everything you've written, although if people took you seriously and actually did what you suggested, there would be nothing fun to write about any more, right?

Swetha said...

P.s- Excellent job! Thats all that I've ever wanted to say, but never got around to doing it!
So you're a Tamilian, a biker and a singer. Soulmate, where've You been? :D

themartianscientist said...

My GAWD! Kalakkitte! so many times i have thought about some of these things(my horizon has been highly limited by NRI diet)...full worshippings!!!whatay!

themartianscientist said...

Also, the ample bosom might be because BD, you may not know otherwise, inspired from all the women AND men in the family:D....one wedding incident i will never forget- oooH, idhu onn ponna!!! periyavalaai yevvlow varsham aachu??- at that point i left the convo, and left amma to come up with a polite answer:D

nrimaami said...

Awesome post pa! Weddings are so much fun in real and on blogsphere. Lot of experience I think in attending weddings.. Correctaa?

playbyrules said...

what do i say? made me laugh on a sunday morning! it is under print no?

Abhipraya said...

Dude have to print and distribute this :) I will sponsor. One more to the list for parents / relatives - Do not insist that the already overloaded with gold and mallige hoo bride should pile on a little more because "this is the big day that all of us have been waiting for." The girl has to look at this almost karaga pictures for the rest of her life (the half naked groom next to her not withstanding.)

Super post! Excellent diversion when I am trying very hard not to write that article :)

Bikerdude said...

My god, thanks so much all. Never thought this crazy rant would provoke so many nice reactions! Will write back soon :)

Bikerdude said...

narendra: heh, next time don't do all such things ok? ok (Kidding ;))

deepti rao, anu, unpredictable, maxdavinci, ggop, mem, plush, anonymous: Muy danks :)

anoushka: My gaad blush what I say :)

pri: Yes, yes I admit it. I cannot the help, very sorry. And no, there is no right way of folding banana leaf. Just leave it alone. Ask stalkee.

Puppy Saar: Yes eh? I don't know boss. I thought whoever you are you shouldnt fold only.

prats: Enough to heave em coming out of my ears! Big family what to do. Yes Im also planning to employ someone to tattoo all these on people's err faces if they dont obey.

maami: Yaen maami don't you wish the best for your child? :P Yes it is mix-sed marriage, mainly because I tried and failed at drawing Aandal kondai and madisaar for Iyengar bride.

yadu: Ugh I know that line all too well !!

i love lucy: Ahem. Noticed aa? Yes my family dot com is rather err blessed in that regard. KIndly also note cousin martianscientist's pan-gender observation below :P

usha: please slap off one two maamis for me no like that only.

Bikerdude said...

poojitha: Heheh bhesh bhesh.. remmmmbhe nanna irukku :)


james: adhellaam panniyaachu, yaarum kelkkalae. Adhanala thaan ippadi maar adichchindirukkaen. Hmm.. Yennamoda Raghava. Yennaththa panna, 'Aara kaekka. :)

swetha: If you manage to escape the clutches of the maami brood that is!

martianscientist: Yaen maa caandroversy kalappurai. Naanga konjam overaave well built kudumbam nnu ulagaththukkellam solli maanatha vaanganumaa? Aiyo aiyo nobody will marry us now. Inspite of the fact that I have perivan aagified more than a decade ago :P

nrimaami: Ayyo yaen kaekkureenga andha kathaiya. Porum porum nu aayiduthu.

playbyrules: Thanks!
Heh sure, soon it will be all over town lol

abhipraaya: Gaaahaha has that actually happened? Too funny!

Prajeesh said...

"Lungis with Mickey mouse logos and green disco lights..."
Hilarious! :)

Penguin said...

Ayyo, this is orrey too much only! I think that whenever I do get married, I'm printing this and sending instead of wedding invitation :-)

Anonymous said...

"Brown is beautiful. Really. If we wanted to see pancake, we'd go to dosa camp"

Too Gud!!!!

I am a soon to be wed bride and will keep these things in mind:)

desigirl said...

HA HA HA HA HA! HAA HAAA HAAA HAA!
*GROAN* My tummy hurts - I'll stop now.

Good one!

The Quark said...

This is some extreme madness.

As a norm, naa kalyaaNattukkellaam pOnaa verum chaappaaDai maTTum daan edirpaattu pOvEn. aana ippo vErai reason kuDuttuTTai nee (yeses, I am a PKD Iyer).

illa namm geLeyar madvegaLige hOdre gOinda. allE flat annsbiDtaare.

I am astonished that the groom and bride don't have cramps during the reception on their face thanks to the incessant smiling.

nyangaL malayaaLeegaLai ningaL viTTallO. endaa nyangaLDe vivaaham okke ningaLukku ishTam illE?

aal in all, aLaguraajappa nee.

captainjohann said...

Great humour. loved it

Thinking aloud said...

HA..HA..HA...
this was very very funny...

did u mention teh damn vdo camera and teh lights which try to catch you hogging...

loved this...:D

Therestlessquill said...

Yahahahahahahhahahahaaha.. what do you smoke, man, to write this funny?? I thought of alllllllllllllllll the weddings I've been to and how I've cursed the sex-obsessed geriatrics for climbing the dais because my heart hits the back of my teeth and I am sitting at the edge of my seat watching them between my fingers worried scared they won't take a fall and kill themselves!
I am complaining: You missed mallu weddings. Blink and miss is one thing -- the sadya-eating is scarrrrrrry to watch and so is the bride!! Keep it up, I say. Hahahaha!

Siri said...

Yes, I am laughing silently at the irony. I jusssssttttt created my sisters' online wedding invitation site.
I jussssttt aaalso came back from the accompany-folks-to-invite-relatives routine where the only smart thing I could do to counter the "What maa? Line clear!" witticism was gulp some more philter coffee and grin stupidly.
(An "Oh Absolutely uncle! I was telling my half-Afghan baayfriend just that!" would take the sorta guts my mental anatomy misses, regardless of how priceless the reactions would have been. che!)

Goodness! When will you Malleshwaram folk learn to leave us Banashankari types alone? 2nd stage that too. The nerve! x-(

PS- Hilllllaarrrious. Sheegrameva Kalyana Praaptirastu. Bless you. :P

Bikerdude said...

gradwolf: feel free boss :) In fact also distribute fly swats to slap themselves if they disobey any of the rules.

prajeesh, penguin, anonymous, desigirl, captainjohann: Thanks :)

the quark: Oho chatur bhaasha praveena na neevu? very good very good :) mallu vivahangal enikku valare ishtama. Especially the sadya afterwards :)

thinking aloud: Oh yeah how could I forget! We need a whole section on this, no?

therestlessquill: Aiyo I love mallu weddings I say. OK yes mallu table manners at teh sadya leave a tad to be desired, but the yummm food!! Slurp! Why is the bride scary btw?

siri: heheh good strategy. Err no thanks, regarding the kalyana blessing :P And Nevah, regarding leaving Bannos (short for BSK II stg vaasis) alone !!

Therestlessquill said...

Because she's wearing all that Pole Alukkas gold, men!So much they make her wear. Poor thing.

On a professional note: I work for a newspaper that features local as well as non-local blogs in its dubious pages. I've been dying to feature yours. But first we need permission from author. Could you give me an email I could write in to you at (the one here doesn't seem to be working) so I can 'take permission'. Game?

10yearslate said...

The handshakes after the maangalya dhaaranam!!

The immediate flurry of relieved handshakes originating from the 'girl's side' of the family after the maangalyadhaaranam will make any groom wary and wonder if he's been dudded in any way.

claytonia vices said...

I wanted to say hilarious and side-splitting but I think it was funnier than these words can describe!!

moody_mermaid said...

ROTFL

Anonymous said...

innondu mukhyavAdamsha...ee ganDu heNNu yavagloo invitationnalli haakida timegay barodilla saar, tumbaa mujugra aagatthe...ppl staring at each other the whole time esht(?)imating the wealth, health and family propects of others..hogli good time to catch up on ur old friendsoo andre haLaaddu music and makkala meLa beray...innodu asaHyabariso issue andre using the same taTTay during the "baffett" (aka boffay), eraDane round baroru dayaviTTu beray taTTe togoLLi antha invitationnalle print maaDbeko yeno...i also miss the scenes where the ammas and appas of small makkaLu telling them an extra ladoo (yay aakaili isko ladoona..etc)in the left hand so that the kid can eat it later...maduvemaneli sigo haasya berelloo sigalla maarayaray.

Bikerdude said...

therestlessquill: Ahh. D'uh how could I forget :) P.S: This email (bikerdudeblr@gmail.com) works. Sure you spelt it right and all that? Much honoured I say :)

10yearslate: Heheh. Papa I hope you didnt feel that way about poor Mrs 10 years late!

claytonia, moodymermaid: Thanks :)

anonymous: LOL Gosh those are some really awesome observations in the dining room. (For those who dont speak kannada: Bride and groom arriving late leaving ppl gawking at each other, Tinny ghastly music, People returning to the buffet with used plates and snitching extra laddoos for the kids). I think the idea of bere thatte (using fresh plates per returning visit) will never catch on because the caterers charge per thatte for billing ansuthe.

Jay said...

Sisya,

Swalpa jaasthi ne frustrate agiddhya ansutthe.... (astu traumatic aagittha .. e madhuve?)

:D

Bit Hawk said...

Sooper compilation guru!!!
And your drawings are simply superb!

Anita said...

Hey...Extremely funny stuff..enjoyed reading your blog...!

usha said...

i went to attend a funeral mass and this lady walked upto me to tell me that the next one in row in the family is me!!

i wonder what kind of a joke that was.. and right then her husband comes by to clarify that she's talking about the next wedding in the family... during a funeral mass.. hopeless ppls, i say!

VikramAdith said...

Besh besh! Hilarious.

sanjana said...

Mr BikerDude,
You are simply awesome, frankly im not into blogs, i dont even read them, but i have to admit, im a big fan of ur blogs since the time i hav read this,i have not laughed so hard in a long time now.
:) grt job,,
regards

archana said...

hello ,

this is too good :).. i had a wide smile and i oly kept telling yes yes.. till the end... perfectly written.. adare nevu reception nale photographer baage also comment madabeketu :)
it was very funny :D:D

Shreyas Raj said...

Dude an amazing blog write up. I cud neva stop laughing. Every point that u've written is truth and is to be noted n followed....

Yoda said...

Ew. You overdid it, dude. Big turn-off to see so much attitude in one so young (yeah, it shows). You sound like a brat from middle-class B'lore schooling.

Couldn't find a single neat thing about weddings beyond food and flirting, hm? Being single doesn't have to make you sneeringly cynical.

Sad.

a million different people said...

Ayyo, I'm telling you, almost precisely what I encountered at a relative's wedding. praarabdha, I think.

What caught my goat (throat?) though, was something else and made my lazy ass self get up from reading blogs and I actually did blog about it.

PS: Can't (Didn't) get as funny as you though. :(

blogged in! said...

Hey!

Awesome complilation and so true too!
I have got the "Line clear a?" at almost every wedding I have been to!!!

I was rolling on the floor in fits! :)

Bikerdude said...

jay: Illa magax, sumar madvegalig hogi compile madirodh idhu :P

bithawk, anita,vikramadith, sanjana, archana, shreyas: thanks!

usha: Hehehe boss too funny!

Yoda: Oh very sorry boss, will go stand in a corner. Or should i say "Stand corner in, I will." Bwaaaaaaaaaaahahaha. Kindly excuse middle class humour.
PS: You just paid me the nicest compliment anyone has in a while- by calling me young!

a million different people: Lol good one boss- had a good laugh especially at your various scientific methods of kicking butt :)

blogged in: Thanks! Ah the dreaded 'line cleara?' After years of thinking of an appropriate comeback, Ive decided to say "yes". And spill one tumbler coffee down their fronts, cough hackingly in their faces, blow my nose with their pallus and leave.

maami said...

What's a party pooper on your dance floor when you are the Yo-Narthengai in the Big Fat Tamil Kalyanam? Du-it-again-Dude

Neets said...

Sathyamaa... verre onnum solla mudiyathu... just so true. ... i like the 'banashankari 2nd stage' line...

deepocean said...

hilarious to the core. Kept me thinking if I like going to weddings or not. It started of as "yes" as a kid then, to "no" as a teenager for the only reason "when is yours". Missed out on all the flirting part.. Anyway, most of the south indian "telugu", "kannada" and "tamil" weddings that I attended in Bangalore dint have that many smart ones to really flirt around. Now a days, its become more of a formality to attend a wedding. The next one on the plate is on 23rd April. I think I'll be giggling all through 'cause I'm going there with a print out of this as a checklist to see how many fit there. OK na? :)

Sai said...

Dude..the explanation u have given in all the etiquettes is awesome and funniest i hav seen.Its true that its still happening esp in brahmin marriages.I am a brahmin and I knw the funny things hapening around.I think u have been badly bruised after attending so many marriages.LOL..One thing u have forgotten to mention in that old ppl etiquette is that, after the mangal sutra has been tied, ppl flock to the brothers or sisters, asking them. "ATHIMBAER VANTHACHA".Thats the most irritating and the funnies part as well..cheers to u mate.keep rocking.

Yoda said...

Ahhhh ... Teflon guys who sneer make sad husbands anyway, youthful or not. It's for the best that you can't appreciate, because then you can't exploit.:)

Bikerdude said...

maami: Never cross a Jedi. He will kill you with one swipe of his light pen. Or perhaps with several stabs of his rather incoherent wit :P

neets: Thanks!

deep ocean: Thanks! good idea :)

sai: Haha good one!

Yodakutty: You're absolutely right, the price of fish has skyrocketted this summer.

nandita said...

Hi Bikerdude,
My first time on your blog, and reading this post has made me a true fan of your writing...being a tambram, could identify with all of what you've written....the next wedding I attend, i wont be able to stop laughing remembering your words :)
You got yourself another regular reader!

Idling in Top Gear said...

Hilarious! Although disappointed that you didn't mention anything about the % by body weight female guests are allowed to wear in gold or other jewelery!

Floydgal said...

Young/single guest etiquette, Point number 4 - Kickass man!!

Smitha said...

Haha what can I say, adjectives fail me. This post left me with ulcers in my stomach. All the intricate details from recycled blouse pieces to West Virginia overtures slickly woven. It was bloody brilliant. It brightened up my day. Cheers to you mate!! What do you do for a living besides blogging?

Dev said...

Just two comments:

1. Is it different with North Indian weddings?

2. I'm glad I'm a Coorgi. We just get drunk, gorge on the pork, enjoy the scenery (if you know what I mean!)and forget what we did when we wake up the next morning.

La vida Loca said...

ROFL
would have loved to have this at my wedding lol

wish said...

Brilliant! Best blog entry I've ever read! I take a bow.

neha said...

ha! so much fun.
I think I may just be inspired to create an equivalent for punjabi weddings!
-n

Anonymous said...

Dear BikerDude,

well spoken on many matters, you know, this might be a bit violent,
but my experience with marriage is crazy.

I do admit if I had your sense of humorous direction, I would have smiled in all my wedding pictures.

I really wanted to punch people in the teeth regardless of sex, or their sexual orientation. But now I know there are less violent ways to deal with marriage ettiqutte.

P.S. I have never punched anyone except my closest friend, in the ear in grade 8, in all my life. the punching thing is only a whatif senario, it mainly a western custom for expressing anguish

Ok bye continue good work

Anonymous said...

I've felt the same way about every single thing you said! Profound of you to go ahead and advice all the doofs who need the tips. And yes, the ice cream shop is the best place.

Another tip, try to avoid getting that 'smoke' outside and returning. Especially if the bride (your cousin) doesn't know you do and you came back and are asked to adjust her hair jewelry and she smelt the only trace of the cigarette remaining on your palm!

GB said...

Hahahaahaha...I doubt if you will even see this comment since this post is some months old..but anyway, if you ever get a chance to attend a Mallu Communist wedding, don't miss the chance. Comrade marries Comrade and lots of Comrades makes speeches about Karl Marx. Somewhere in between, they manage a marriage.

Viju said...

Someone fwded your blog ...and man I fell off my couch laughing!This was my first time and I totally relate to every word hailing from the land of "melting men":D and being a "thair sadam" myself!Dhool!

ashmitav said...

killer blog!! do u by any chance read maddox.xmission stuff.. seems like it.. your blogs are sorta on the same line though not as condescending as his.. btw i don't know you!

The Psycho Blogger said...

dude you sure have a lot of spare time on your hands, don't you :D

Avada Kedavra said...

Hahaha.. I just happened to come across ur blog.. all ur posts r so humorous..this post made me burst into laughter.. good work..keep blogging

Manu said...

Awesome, dude!
Loved this one!

Anonymous said...

so what kind of wedding are you set for or what wedding do you think your children will have?

Sunita Chandrasekaran said...

Hilarious!! Well said and so typical!! I could just visualize the whole wedding scenario!! Way to go buddy!

undeniablyblah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
undeniablyblah said...

Super funny:D
Would you also add an addendum and tell the mappillai boys to kindly decently not show-off their ramaraj jatties below their panchakachham?Not a good sight that!:( :P

Mrudula Aaduru said...

Absolutely hilarious... :-)

Anonymous said...

hey bikerdude... u r one funny guy!! too good! I can't stop laughing.

Mads said...

Interesting topic , well reearched , great sense of humour and is sure to captivate any reader. Good luck
Regards
Mads,
www.mads4u.com

Priti said...

ok. its been almost two years since you wrote this, and almost as long since i first read it. I've come back many many times since, to read this post, and its charm hasn't diminished at all. its the cutest thing i've read. thank you for making my day for the nth time :D

Sardonic_Sue said...

May I add some more...?

For the groom
1. you ARE NOT losing out on your independence as much as the woman who has agreed to let you rule her! Act like a mature man! We women have had enough of the 'shaddi hai barbadi' banter! After all, you haven't lost your friends or the job that you had (I had to move to Bengaluru from Dilli). Instead, try sympathising with her...
2. Stare at the pretty young things as much as you want as this may be YOUR LAST DAY to do so... Instead of feeling jealous, FEEL PROUD! In the midst of so many of them, you have a piece of meat you can call your own!


For Bride
1. It is, in fact, OKAY not to smile till your lips rip apart since you and your man are the ones closest to the smoke and the fire. Besides, after a while, nobody is noticing your plastic smiles.
2. You NEED NOT feel happy just because a man is allowing you to change your surname to his. Also, prepare yourself for a lifetime's ignominy of being a second rate citizen not only at his house, but your own too! YES! You will have to watch your mother, father, ajji, thatha, brothers and the whole entourage fuss over this one man who never showed any interest in knowing what makes his wife tick!

padmum said...

As one of the over 60's I enjoyed the 21st C rules and regulations. Very necessary.

I would like to add that two things you should take to a wedding apart from the recycled gift from your own family weddings:
1. Cotton wool to block out the sounds of thavil, gossip and high pitched conversation--decibels raised by surround systems.
2. An imaginary zipper for your mouth for if you are going to talk, you will end up with voice loss a day later (ask me--right now I am dumbstruck after an 80th birthday!!)

Enjoyed!

Arpita said...

Can relate to almost everything here being a Kannadiga!

You have some way of putting things across, wow! Cant stop laughing :)

Keep writing. You'll be keeping a lotta ppl healthier!

Kusum said...

Had a hearty laugh.

karunya said...

that was just amazing!!!!!!all those details.......so well noted....makes me laugh when i think about all those marriages i have attended o far and all the goof ups i see!!!

Anonymous said...

Excellent blog on
Indian ....
South Indian..
Tamil wedding..
been to many of those weddings...enjoyed every moment of it..and experienced all that u had mentioned in yr blog..keep blogging!!!
Ms.NR,DE,US.

lalita said...

u shudve left out the elders , not all are perverted..
heh
and about the photographers during the reception:
dude stop taking a million different pictures of those tired souls who look like genetically engineered monkeys trying out bharatnatyam stunts,

and STOP telling the groom to throw his dupatta or shawl into mid air simultaneously attempting to hug the bride ,are u trying to make him into a ra.one Or do you want to become a potential action director in the near future.. ?!


and Finaaly, (cant stop venting my frustration here)
please do not tell me to wear a *fashionable* sari for my cousins wedding ,so i become stagnant in it and die of diarrhea due to not eating the wonderful food displayed out there BECAUSE ..I CANNOT WALK In the friggin sari.
n next time i am wearing a bathrobe for the reception and YES i will EAT this time,

AMEN!

ulag said...

Thair Saadham features?? Lol!!

Uv scarred me for life!! Ill never be able to look in the mirror and not see the Thair Saadham and pickle that I so love :P

And, the wedding photographer deserves a nice dressing down too. He makes the bride and groom pose with such outlandish gestures that hes downright evil. To top it he photoshops the background and adds some Yash Chopra-esque swiss gardens!!! Oh the ignominy!! Makes u go all Darth Vader Nooooooo....

RS said...

yenna nanna yeldikre da neenu! abso tam bram wedding! faced most of this myself. 'USthevu ye kalyanu pankyo ma. ange life roma nanna ikarna' all the way to 'neen yenna vashru aiyutikra! kalyanu yaar pankyora?' :)))) cheers to your blogs! they're sensational! :)

Namitha said...

Absolutely hilarious! Exactly why I've been boycotting all family functions.
The only thing missing is Wedding Photographer Etiquette... but that'll probably be a really long blog in itself.

Chai said...

Can we have a kids etiquette section too?

Sanjay said...

Just a visitor here. It maybe years since you've posted this, but the humour lingers on. You need to preserve this post in a museum for future generations.Tempted to unearth your other classics too and in the process currently :-). Summing it up in one word - Sooopar

Cheers
Sanjay

Anonymous said...

lol...

shashi said...

pee pee - dum dum ..classic

Anonymous said...

nice blogspot.. update more post... we are brahmin caterers catering services in chennai and caterers in velachery, mylapore chennai .

Anonymous said...

This was such a fun read! Awesome, really well captured!

I'm a kanndiga all set to marry a bengali next year. I pray to God that I don't remember any bits of your blog while I'm getting married because I'll probably come off as a retarded bride with the-big-hanger-in-my-mouth look.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic observation. Infact recommend to print these instructions behind wedding card. Worth noting

Express Jodi said...

An ode to the wedding songs in Punjabi Wedding

Punjab is the state of festiveness. It is said that punjabis can groove to the beats of dhol even if there is no occasion. As such, when there is a shaadi in the house, it given them a reason to sing and dance. In Punjab, there are different genres of songs when it comes to marriage songs. There are categories divided on the basis of moods and situations.Some of the most popular categories include:

Gharouli de Geet: These are happy songs that are sung when the pitcher is filled for bride/bridegroom's bath on the day of the wedding.

Sehra: As the Hindu priest ties the sehra (flower veil) on the forehead of the groom while chanting sacred mantras, the close family members sing sehra songs to pep up the environment.

Suhag: A fairly popular category of wedding songs, the suhag songs are sung by the bride herself as she praises her of her life. Some of these wedding songs also reveal her anticipation of the approaching life in her husband's home. In some households, bride friends and cousins also sing these songs on her behalf.

Jaggo: Jaggo songs are sung a night prior to the wedding. These songs are sung as a celebrative way to invite the neighbours to the wedding.

South Indian Melodies

Laali: These are songs of praise for the bride and the groom who are seated on a swing in a
ceremonial manner and are rocked back and forth. The back and fro motion of the swing in the ritual signifies the waves in the sea of life while the chains represent the eternal karmic link with god. Their movement on the swing depicts that the couple is together in body and mind that they would together cross the ocean of life.

Nalangu: During this ritual, the new bride sings and calls her husband to spend time with her. These songs fill the atmosphere with a sense of merriment. The time signifies the breaking of ice between the bride and the groom as there are several other playful activities that take place, subsequently. While family members break papads on the couple's heads toward off evil, the bride anoints husband's body with sandalwood and sings to him. The female relatives poke fun at the couple and the in-laws while singing songs.

Adding a Zing of Culture

A part from the pre-wedding ceremonies that are replete with the sounds of traditional wedding tunes and lyrics, these days marriages are also witnessing a sort of rebound that seem incomplete without these rhythms and libretto. Live performances usually have the popular singers belting out hit numbers some originals, some legendary wedding songs that set the mood for the evening and get the guests tapping to these numbers. Traditional wedding songs are those symphonies that have bouts of emotions hidden behind, that bring people together to celebrate and have fun and that which any Indian marriage is not complete without.

Expressjodi said...

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Cater to All function in the wedding such as:
*The Engagement
*The mehendi
*The Ceremony
*The sangeet
*The Reception

Engagement
This is the first of the formal ceremonies. Traditionally , rings and gifts are exchanged between the bride and the groom's families. Ascertain ring sizes and buy the engagement rings well in advance, so that the couple can try them out before the ceremony.

Mahendi
Indian marriages are known for their many rituals. In fact, the beauty of Indian weddings comes forth in the numerous traditions that are associated with the special celebration. Marriage day being the most important day in one's life. Infact one whole ceremony dedicated to its celebration popularly known as "Mehndi Ki Raat". Indian marriages are incomplete without dance, music and lots of laughter.
Destination Weddings

Ceremony

The Baraat is also a wonderful part of the indian marriage. The groom with the sehra tied to hide his face sits on the horse, while his mother holds a lamp lit for the household deity. It is merry ritual when they set forth for the marriage venue along with a band of musicians playing popular tracks, with his relatives groove their way to the wedding. The Swaagat is the ritual to welcome the groom and his entourage by the bride's family. The bride watches the arrival from one window of the house , careful not to gaze upon his face and then comes out to welcome him. At the entrance the groom places his right foot on top of the bride's foot to denote his dominating strength in their future life together. In the Sindhi tradition the groom is seen as the embodiment of lord Vishnu on the wedding day. The couple is seated with a screen separating them so that they cannot see each other while his feet are washed in a bronze thaali with raw milk by the bride's brother and is known as Paon Dhulai. The couple now gets ready for the wedding ceremony and is taken to the wedding platform where the ceremony is to take place.

Sangeet
Decide whether it will be a small family gathering or a big event with a professional band in attendance.
*Book a Mehndiwali well in advance. She/he should bring the necessary material.
*List the songs and hand out the lyrics to all or you can use taped music as a back-up.
*Hold practice sessions prior to the wedding, if you are so inclined.
*Arrange for snacks or a caterer if the gathering is large.

Reception
Decide whether it will be sit-down affair or a buffet.
*Make the arrangements in advance and confirm with the venue manager/caterer in writing.
*Specify the number of guests expected to the caterer if you do not want to pay for extra food.
*Confirm arrangements a day before the event.
*Set up a gift table and assign a family member to receive gifts. Maintain a list of the gifts.
*Allocate space for alive band, bar and dining.
*After the reception, move flower bouquets and leftover liquor to the couple's residence.

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Loony Indian Wife said...

You might want to add this in the Groom etiquette section:
Do not hold the gifts against your crotch during the reception photo session! Watched a groom yesterday who may wind up with an album full of pictures with colourful boxes against his crotch

Expressjodi said...

Your Wedding Handbook

Get Organised

Plan your leave from work

Apply for leave work as much in advance as possible. Complete all pending tasks
and divide the workload between cooperative co - worker. “This way you can get up
to speed real quick when you return from your blessed – out honeymoon”

Delegate small wedding day tasks

Delegate duties in advance – get a couple of close friends to be by your side during
the ceremony to calm your nerves and handle the gifts, some relatives (in rotation)
to greet guests at the entrance, someone with a list of all vendor contact
information.

Have a chat with your photographer

Decide the theme you want for the marriage pictures and give the photographer a
list of moments you want captured.

Pack your accessories and wedding night bag

Pack a bag with all the accessories you’ll require to get dressed on the wedding
day. This includes jewellery, makeup, hairpins, safety pins, undergarments. Leave
this bag next to your wedding dress along with your bag of “just – in – case” items.
Also, pack a small bag to carry with you to the hotel for the wedding night. This bag
should have everything you’ll need. Besides lingerie, make sure to pack a change of
clothes for the next morning, your cosmetics pouch and a midnight snack (since no
one seems to eat at their own wedding!)

Gather Memories

Make a DVD of the days leading up to the wedding

“What I’m sure I’ll continue to find truly endearing and entertaining in the years to
come is the DVD of my wedding preparation – from the sangeet practices to the
makeup trails to some heartfelt moments with my family”
Maybe you can include messages from your close friends and family as well.

Write out ‘Thank you’ notes

A lot of people have worked tirelessly, spent lots of money and treated you like a
princess in the weeks leading up to your big day. Make some time to write
personalized cards for all of them and give it to each one before the wedding
ceremonies begin.

Look And Feel Your Best

Oodles of pampering

This is perhaps one of the most essential and enjoyable parts of your pre – wedding
routine. Book appointments at least 10 days in advance for your pre – wedding
beauty regimen, preferably at a spa you frequent. Make sure to include a stress –
relieving massage to soothe those nerves.

Get lots of sleep the night before

“No matter what beauty regiment you go through in the days before your wedding,
unless you’re well rested on the night before the big day, you will neither look nor
feel your best,”. “The last thing you need is a headache putting a
damper on your mood.” So the evening before your wedding should be a quite one –
spend quality time with your family, eat a healthy meal and get at least eight hour
of sound sleep. Eat something and use the washroom before the ceremony. You
have got a long day ahead of you. Grab a healthy snack before you put on your
makeup and use the washroom right before you head out to the mandap”

Focus on your husband – to – be

If, in spite of your best efforts, things get too chaotic, try this trick : “Every bride will have a moment of nerves, no matter how perfect
everything around her is. It’s human nature. When this happened turned complete focus on my handsome fiancĂ© and on the beautiful life we were about to
embark upon together. My mind instantly quietened down and I had a lovely smile
on my face that made me look even more fabulous in the pictures”. Maybe
you could even give his friend a note to slip to your fiancé right before the
ceremony. This could pep things up a bit for the two of you and help ease the stress
too!

Expressjodi said...

Great expectations

Life is full of surprises, particularly if you are a newly - wed . Expressjodi you a glimpse into the future and tells how to be prepared to face married life

Love is all about romance whereas marriage is a lot about responsibility. When two different individuals from different backgrounds live together, differences of opinion on things like spending habits, career, having and raising a baby, sharing household responsibilities etc, are bound to crop up, the key is to broaden your outlook and accept all the changes that marriage brings, and to remember that marriage is a momentous change for you and your spouse. And, fear not, over a period of time, you will find a way to make it work.

Responsibility

With marriage comes a whole lot of responsibility. "From the time you ger married, the decisions you make will not be yours alone, but your partner's as well. This is because your choices will impact both of you. But this doesn't mean that you're tied to a ball and chain. "It only means you have a companion with you for life. In fact, in your capacity as a spouse, you become your partner's caretaker, friend, confidante and even punching bag etc.

Finances

Arguments over money are bound to happen, so be prepared for it. And unless you establish some ground rules for dealing with financial issues, you will continue to have these arguments. Bear in mind that you are now a part of a unit, and no longer flying solo.

In - laws or outlaws?

if you thought that marriage is all about sharing your life with your significant other, think again, and this time, factor in your in - laws into the equation. When you're used to a particular lifestyle, moving in with your in - laws can be a rude shock. You will be required to make changes in your daily routine. Like waking up a little earlier to help around the house or rescheduling your plans on weekends or even modifying some of your eating habits. these might seem like an additional burden, particularly if you are a working woman. Remember to keep an open mind when it comes to handling your in - laws. They may be rigid in their ways, but there is always a way to work out a compromise.

Sharing space

Marriage involves sharing everything - whether it is sadness or glad tidings, chores or finance, which can be a difficult task. This is why marriage necessitates an equal contribution from both side. " Sharing is absolutely essential for a happy marriage,. Besides making it easier to run the show, it also brings you closer to your partner, and cement a bond in a way that only experience can.
Differnces of opinion

Shaadi brings two different individuals together, as well as two sets of arguments for everything. Remember that your husband is as new to the marriage and the relationship as you, and he is facing the same issue for the first time as well.Irrespective of the nature of the relationship, any two people are bound to have differences of opinion at some point of time, It is how you handle these differences that mtters. The best antidote for deviant interest lies in adapting to the situation. "Be carteful not to retaliate for the sake of it,"

Planning for the future

As a single independent working woman, you may be used to your lifestyle, going on holidays or splurging on the latest pair of Jimmy Choos. But married life is a journey and you need to plan carefully to get to your destination. "Planning is the key. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page as far as long - term goal are concerned," "Whether or not you plan to have a baby or deciding on investments for the future and are thing that you should discuss in advbance, if you want to avoid unpleasant surprises in you married life,"

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Aswathy Pillai said...

This is one of the exciting article I have come across recently. I also have a similar blog about Wedding Planners in Kerala