Wednesday, August 8, 2007

The hellos

If you thought Javed Jaffrey invented this latest lingo that is all the rage today, you are the wrongs. It has been around for quite a while in the Benglurs. It is terribly uncool and gets on your nerves, but is also hopelessly addictive. The trick is to intersperse colonial governmentese with random prepositions, throw in a tass-puss accent and vernaculo-pluralize the whole thing. Simples.

"The hellos. How it is?"
"Sallrights. Vat is to be doings?"
"The tv watchings, readings, chumma sittings and generally jolly lo janardhanings"
"Vary the goods. I will to come in 10 minutes ok va?"
"Comes in won'nour times. I am going for oil bathings"
"Oh yes aa, wokay I will do the aforementioned."
"Yes kindly to be doing the same."
"OK byes the."

It is perfect for corporates the communications:

Dears the employees,

I am to notings with growing the concerns that ppls are coming into office wearings vaterveritis they are vantings. It is with great the regrets that I have to announce that is unaccept-the-bles. The chuddis wearings, the hawai chappal with yellow toenails showings and product-free hair is just appalling I tell you. Howitis you can wear the aforementioned items in proffessional the atmospheres pls to telling. I therefore request one and all to kindly take note of the same and pulling up socks till navels and tying tie around head if your overfed software engineer's neck is beings the too thick for it. You follow?

I remain sin-the-cerelys
Semi evull HRs the Managers.

Or pre-recorded multi-voice railway station announce-the-ments:

(squeaky voice) Gaadi nembers ... (Deep voice) The threes, the fours, the twos, the threes ... (Mallu squawk) Lyaaalbaaguhs the Essprruss .....(Squeak) fraam .....(Deep voice) The Channis.....(squeak) is expected to the arrives at platform numbers..... (Deep voice) the Twos .......(squeak) At ........(Mallu sqawk) Den dherty pms.

Or a break up letter:

Dears the Johns,

It has been many a day since I have been the thinking about writing this to the yous. Boss it is not the happenings. Please to kindly finding ettanother appropriate ladies for maritals the purposes.

Thanks and best the regards,
It is I.

Or perhaps a recipe for exotic continental dish

1. To takings the freshly picked aspara-the-gus from alpine mountain tops and blanching in haats spring vaatrs for 13 seconds.
2. Taking anchovy-fed guinea-bissau pheasants, turning inside outs and stuffings with a mixture of the fresh eidelweiss, juniper lichens, antarctic olives, a dash of dijagaboranjo vinegar, the potetos and the taametos.
3. Then to be marinatings in white wine reductions for 28 days while talking to it in cooings the voices for 3.2 hours per diem.
4. Finally boilings in the salt vaters for 2 hours, drying in suns, and depositing gently in dust-the-bins.

Due to to extreme efficacy in conveying the meanings, in my humble opinionings, this language is to be adopteds univers-the-lly for all communications in the futures.

23 comments:

Priya said...

er..umm.. I where learn the english? I forgotten the english. I want the english for office. I no job if I no talk the english. Helpings?

pepe M. said...

hahahaha! yur hilarious!
gosh, sometimes i do write like that without even realizing it! my apologies :)

pepe

Bikerdude said...

:) So the Bangalore bug has bitten you too huh Pepe?

Priyas: The defnutlys!

Tamu said...

I am to be loving your blog I say!!!!!sooper macha

Pri said...

vaterveritis is my new favourite thing to say. i cant make it stop.

Anonymous said...

it is the truly amazings..how can u the thinks of these and all things?

Anonymous said...

the appreciations for the good one...all the way from the UK, the land of the englipis and englipisers! the liked the s/w engg note - the think global, talk local!

Krish Ashok said...

:) It is the very hilarious

Damn you are right about the addictive bit. Me and former Bengalooru based roomie used it to the point of becoming ridiculous.

We decided to put a stop to it, when he, by mistake, used it while talking to Amreekans in an official meeting. He actually said "No Any problems"

I love Lucy said...

Exactly!!

Used the lingo for amusement back when we were in college(BMSCE) and were bored to death listening to boring lectures.

It took so little to amuse us antha!

Nice post as ever :)

freespirit said...

I am the corporate head of the communications faar my company. And I am thinking, I am needing the trainings you are providing. Vaat time are the classes, I say?

RustyNeurons said...

:) How could you forget 'Thankings'?

Bikerdude said...

Thankings the ones and alls :)
Cant the believe you still survive this tripe!

comment_raja said...

its incredibly addictive, and as soon as you see biker dudes face, the ghost of javed passes through you, and you start reciting in the hellos!

Krish Ashok said...

Annaaaa,
You have the been the tagged.
here

Thoppai mama said...

Saahebrae! KrishAshok nanag kaLsyaan-ree. bhaaL best bareetheeri bidri.

all-ree ishtellaa bardh-roo namm hubLi kannada kaaNvolth yaaka?

Bikerdude said...

KA: Tag means what I say? I have to write somethinga?

Bikerdude said...

comment raja: Youre the originator of A thoo what ya, so we are even

Bikerdude said...

thoppai mama: Hubli bhasheyalli bariyak haththe nodri, aadra yaaraadru nodi baidbudthaaranth hedrkond silent aagbittenri.

Adhenu hesaru btw? Hotte maava antha aagbekithalla?

Thoppai mama said...

aaay! hesar-naag yaenaith-ree? Shake Peer saahebru haeLyaarantha

gulabi hoo shagaNi hoo anth karedroo vaasni ashta chand irthaith-anth.

Hedraak hog byaadri. Neev barkonth ir-ree. Yaav mangyan maga yaen haeLthaan nodoNantha!

Rambodoc said...

This was one truly brilliant, almost dysfunctional blog! Extremely hilarious. I am dead serious.

enigma said...

bikerdude, you have a sooooperb blog here.. keep writing.. am adding you to my blogroll.
Or shd i say.. "You are the writings so wells..I am the addings you to my Blogrolls"

PS: "Thoppaimama", love your name :D

Suma said...

LOL Its awful! I'm guessing the English language is standing on some ledge atop a skyscraper somewhere, all set to jump! :)

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