The hellos

If you thought Javed Jaffrey invented this latest lingo that is all the rage today, you are the wrongs. It has been around for quite a while in the Benglurs. It is terribly uncool and gets on your nerves, but is also hopelessly addictive. The trick is to intersperse colonial governmentese with random prepositions, throw in a tass-puss accent and vernaculo-pluralize the whole thing. Simples.

"The hellos. How it is?"
"Sallrights. Vat is to be doings?"
"The tv watchings, readings, chumma sittings and generally jolly lo janardhanings"
"Vary the goods. I will to come in 10 minutes ok va?"
"Comes in won'nour times. I am going for oil bathings"
"Oh yes aa, wokay I will do the aforementioned."
"Yes kindly to be doing the same."
"OK byes the."

It is perfect for corporates the communications:

Dears the employees,

I am to notings with growing the concerns that ppls are coming into office wearings vaterveritis they are vantings. It is with great the regrets that I have to announce that is unaccept-the-bles. The chuddis wearings, the hawai chappal with yellow toenails showings and product-free hair is just appalling I tell you. Howitis you can wear the aforementioned items in proffessional the atmospheres pls to telling. I therefore request one and all to kindly take note of the same and pulling up socks till navels and tying tie around head if your overfed software engineer's neck is beings the too thick for it. You follow?

I remain sin-the-cerelys
Semi evull HRs the Managers.

Or pre-recorded multi-voice railway station announce-the-ments:

(squeaky voice) Gaadi nembers ... (Deep voice) The threes, the fours, the twos, the threes ... (Mallu squawk) Lyaaalbaaguhs the Essprruss .....(Squeak) fraam .....(Deep voice) The Channis.....(squeak) is expected to the arrives at platform numbers..... (Deep voice) the Twos .......(squeak) At ........(Mallu sqawk) Den dherty pms.

Or a break up letter:

Dears the Johns,

It has been many a day since I have been the thinking about writing this to the yous. Boss it is not the happenings. Please to kindly finding ettanother appropriate ladies for maritals the purposes.

Thanks and best the regards,
It is I.

Or perhaps a recipe for exotic continental dish

1. To takings the freshly picked aspara-the-gus from alpine mountain tops and blanching in haats spring vaatrs for 13 seconds.
2. Taking anchovy-fed guinea-bissau pheasants, turning inside outs and stuffings with a mixture of the fresh eidelweiss, juniper lichens, antarctic olives, a dash of dijagaboranjo vinegar, the potetos and the taametos.
3. Then to be marinatings in white wine reductions for 28 days while talking to it in cooings the voices for 3.2 hours per diem.
4. Finally boilings in the salt vaters for 2 hours, drying in suns, and depositing gently in dust-the-bins.

Due to to extreme efficacy in conveying the meanings, in my humble opinionings, this language is to be adopteds univers-the-lly for all communications in the futures.