Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Guetta out of the grounds I say.


We've finally done it. Learnt to go to bed like good children by 9, ie. Even David Guetta couldn't stop us. He tried, I hear. Flailed his arms about and even said endearing things like "India is... 'ow to say... ze best country I 'ave evair visited-uh", in a bid to make the audience stay on. But the audience wasn't convinced. "We love you David", they were heard muttering. "But no. My fother will scold because Monday I have 9th std supplementary exam. Her mother will beat because tomorrow morning-morning Satyanarayana pooje is there. Kindly understand our position. Good night."

That's the real story, but I believe there was an official story that was doing the rounds. It involves palace intrigue, 1412 luggage autos and teleportation. And this is the story that shall now be told for all the world to hear.

So when it was known that the Guetter was slated to perform from 7-11pm at the palace grounds last week (with full BBMP permission, mind it), the Party Machas squealed in delight and spiked their hair in anticipation. The Macha Parties rolled their eyes, rubbed their balding scalps ruefully and downed another pint. The former outnumbering the latter by a ratio of 47:1 thus launched into a mad scramble for tickets. Several tubes of Set Wet were used to distract potential ticket buyers, but not a hair was turned, I hear.

This excitement was not restricted to the macha fraternity. All of Bangalore wanted to be at the Palace Grounds that night. In fact, just so everyone had an international performer to admire, a famous liberal cleric from Pakistan was invited to conduct an Islamic discourse at the same venue.

Really? You ask. Really, I reply. The Bengaluru Polisu in its magnanimity had, in a pathbreaking populist move, approved both applications with its new "COMMAN FRIENDS YENJAAY" red stamp, reserved for such august occasions.

Both parties, unbeknownst to each other, shot off letters of thanks to the dept, expressing satisfaction at the prompt clearance of their applications. The organizers of the cleric's discourse mentioned that its 2 Lakh attendees had a feelin' that the night was gonna be a good good night. The Guetta ghetto sent a thank you e-card to the dept too, appreciating its prompt action and highlighting the various parts of the evening. It would contain a hair spiking segment, a shirt unbuttoning session and finally, a nice long disco-course.

A sleuth from the dept analysed these letters of commendation and put them away in a special drawer marked VIP, for future reference. That evening, when the agent drew the letters out of the said item of clothing for a closer look, he realised with a start that there might be a small issue at hand.

Both events were scheduled on the same night and at the same time. Not a very good idea, he realised. The discourse attendees might not take too kindly to the dulcet strains of 'I want to do the needful to you all night', emerging from 600m away. It wouldn't be fair to expect the Guetta group to Gel with their devout brethren and sisteren next door either.  They'd probably have exhausted a year's supply of product on their own hair already. 


An urgent meeting of both organizers was called. Applications were re-sent and re-stamped. After a civilized exchange of pehle-aaps, a decision was taken to stagger the events thus:

Guetta would do the aforementioned to you all evening only. From 5pm to 8:15pm. There would then be a respectable scramble for the exits, lasting precisely half an hour. The 3000 fans of the Guetta concert would then be teleported home, replaced by 200,000 equally enthusiastic fans from all over Islamic India. After which the benign cleric would take over until 11:30pm. Wishful thinking?

Apparently not. It worked. Like a charm. 203,000 happy people woke up the next day to a bright eyed and bushy tailed world. The newspaper offices wrung their hands in despair as they had reserved 3 columns each, to wail about unruly mob scenes at the venue. The columns were promptly filled up with detailed analyses on the importance of owning at least 6 pairs of aviator sunglasses and a manpurse.

So anybody who has anything to say about Blr Polisu's supreme event coordination techniquesu may kindly eat gobi manchuri.

And hello, what are you doing up so late? Go to bed instantly.

45 comments:

longblackveil said...

Whoamaigawdganeshaaaa, are you back? You know what I gleaned from this post? [apart from an opportunity to use 'gleaned'] >> THE MUSLIMS WON! Hahahahahahaahaaaa.... *runs, twirling hijab like crazy*

I am your fan. Please excuse.

Bikerdude said...

Both won I say. Win-win, pyaar-vyar, main kya janoon ray type situation it was. Now kindly stop raking up communist issues, lest the rest of 'em (such as might exist) see red.

Santosh Kumar T K said...

2 years aa?

glad you are alive only, fashtafaal. no really!


whether you are ok? whether you like to keep people waiting?

how many times should we go through your old posts it seems? what we don't hyaav any other works aa?

#kyonyaar

Gradwolf said...

Welcome back machan!

Bikerdude said...

Santhosh: Don't write means it will scold, write means it will scold. Non-scoling option not availabla?

Grodwolf: Hello :) Ond thara happy I am feeling to see familyar peoples in comments section I say.

Sita K. said...

Hey B,

3000 people still had a say with a competing -- 200,000 in picture! No samosas were even hurt in the process. Something is working, I'll say. Faith.

Such mistakes, as you know, seldom happen here. We are organized. Except in Indian functions. Sometime ago I saw about 101 place settings for individualized 'Lakshmi' puja in the Livermore temple, to be done as instructed by the priest with a mike, but row 2, column 8 was missing a coconut. Now, THAT is a problem.

Your post was a pleasure :)

pri said...

my gaad after some one decade you have written blaag. naachke aagalva? paapa your fans are full dying. write ya monthly once. okay bye. muah.

Mithraah Indiirh said...

And he's back... Welcome back Kanney! I hope the reference to manpurse and all was not to my article... bleddy!

manninamagaLu said...

HAHAHAHAAAA! Whattay! Welcome back, Bikerdude!!!

Best line for me: 'My fother will scold beacuse I have to study for 9th std supplementary exam'. :))))))

No, but I am liking this pure English style also very much, I say. While vernac mix is funny, this evokes fyure respect from fyure Anglophile like myself.

Anonymous said...

You're back yayy :) Great you squeezed sometime from your gardner kelsa for blogging ;)

Bikerdude said...

Sita: Gaaahaha I love this individualised pooja concept I say. 'S'ondraful!

pri: Hello dorling. Ezz I am plonning to :)

Mithraaaaaah: Ei che che no ma. Chumma ulululaakattiku I wrote. Yours is very good orticles.

Mud's daughter: Why thank you my dear lady. I shall endeavour to do the needf.. (slap slap).. write in the Queen's whenever I can.

anon: Ah yes little bit squeeze only it was.

narendra shenoy said...

Welcome back! I am joy, as they say! And I'm staggered at the scale of this social experiment. A faith to faith meeting if there ever was one :D :D

Still executing cartwheels!

@dishkaun said...

You are like axshully alive and typing. This calls for a cut out poster and thousand and eight garlands.

Idling in Top Gear said...

Whatay sensible decision-making! Everyone knows that those geriatric filled events called rock concerts have to be gotten out of the way early in the evening before the #bengloorsnow starts compounding the attendees' arthritis. Those young kids at the religious conference on the other hand, they can party all night!

SarangN said...

Welcome back! Plissed to say much happy to see youvar post!

Bikerdude said...

narendrashenoy: So sweet I say. Glaud to be bauk and all thaut.

dishkyaun: hehe blesh blesh

idling in top gear: i agree. though the idea of a show starting at 5 and going on till 11 is awesome too. Enough and more time or everyone!

SarangN: :) Thankses much I say

The insouciant A said...

You're back on your blog. And what's more amusing is all the bikerdude fans' frenzy! Guetta fans be damned?! :-))

Pettai Maami said...

Aaand baaaack!! :) Vaangol Vaangol

Nidhi said...

Banni banni...nimge kaytha iddvi!!!! what a comeback!!!!

Anonymous said...

Nimma haleey post nodi nodi saakayithu

Regular bariri

I even complained to my husband that ur arent writing often

Now that u have made a comeback u better write coz we love to read it.

Begaluru police managed Alva RI, bhala chalo.

Anonymous said...

When BengLoor boys discussed love failures in baby's language...Kannada comedy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uINJj3cbs5U

Bikerdude said...

The insouciant A: Aye what ya frenzy ginzy and all you're saying. Thanks for dropping by :)
Pettai Maami: Hello hello vandhootein :)
Nidhi: Thanks ya - Bande bande
Anon: Husband will beat aa? Wokay I will do the needful.

CW said...

So good to see you back! Please write more often?

Archana said...

Good to see you back (What an understatement that is!)

Giridhar said...

What a surprize, I say!!! Pleaze rite more often.

Sanjana said...

OMG!!! you are back.. :) so happy to see you.. you have no clue!.. u have made my day!!! now that i have said hi and all that, will go and read your blog post..

Poori said...

Likethistypeonly you come once a monthly, okay motorbike? Otherwise i will beet you with tamarind twig on your parkingplace.

Ash said...

halleujah! Guetta would have new tunes to his remixes had he considered clubbing with the other party I say.

Kindly oblige,can't follow your posts, change the settings to enable memebers to follow.

I love Lucy said...

Namaskara! Yaake disappearing and re-appearing after so long? No complaints though, bandralla vaapassu!
Keep it up issay!

Anonymous said...

hilarious ! :) You've got a fantastic style of writing.. chanced upon your blog hunting for the meaning of 'maga' :)

ahumanbean said...

Heyyy vaat choo doin, chy? Am back onee aftr so long I say onee

Sushma said...

Enopa... varshakke oMd sala bardu, aase torsi matte nApatte AgbiDteera! bhAri mosa kaNri.

Indialuna said...

Been creeping on your blog. LURVE IT.

Sowmya said...

Oh My God!!! I returned to your blog after 2 years to see that you have 2 new blogs .... and worst of all I HADNT READ THEM !!! This bit of info should do you credit , everytime I visit Veena stores, I cant help remembering your air-light idli description.

Gothu rii ellaru heltha iddare antha --- aardre gumpal Govindaa helidh haage naavu helthivi --- Your blogs are fantastic and I am a fan of your posts. Keep them coming Bikerdude :)

Sandhya said...

Came to know about your blog via Doing Jalsa and Showing Jilpa. Tumba chennagi baritira neevu. Krishna Ashok avara blog posts ge neevu bareda comments odta ide. Ishtu hilarious aagi baritaralla ivru ankota idde. Amele nimma blog alli posts odi hotte hunnago varge nakkidaitu. ee thara ne postsu bardu namanna nagsta iri, sir. Nanna necchina label 'Kanglish'. alla alla Kanglishu...Kannadigarallave naavu, 'u' hacchi matadde idre iralu aadite?

vidya said...

So long it has been I say! Still i am kipping on coming eeyur and showing my head.

Finally this time i got lucky!

Pls to keep writing.

LessThanFerpect said...

Please keep writing, bikerdude. You are awesome!

Sri Nagalakshmi Karumuri said...

Should have asked them to eat 'Gopi manchuri' instead :)

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Anonymous said...

why aren't you writing anymore??????

Anonymous said...

I echo the above comment.. huge fan sir, please start writing again.